Sleeping Sex.

29:

Dear diary...

Things have been going great, healing wise, with my hands. I've been for two appointments in the last few weeks, and they say I'm healing up well at the moment. I've got the casts off now and I'm free to move my fingers finally, but they still ache and the fact I haven't used my hands in such a long time means I have to have a small amount of rehabilitation to make sure I can look after myself again and not have to rely on Jake and Jess to help me eat and drink and get dressed.

Speaking of them diary, they have been incredible the last few weeks they really have looked after me and for that I am forever indebted to them. They've been answering any and all the questions I have about that night that I was kidnapped. But things have been slipping through the cracks in my memory, I get flashes and things keep making me question everything. The one thing that keeps flashing in my mind is after matt had put the clamps on my hands and I had fallen to the floor once he had knocked me out, that I could hear voices as I drifted in and out between consciousness. First one that I heard, was Xavier's. I'll get onto him later. But I could feel him tugging at the ropes around me and then I heard another voice...it was Zara.

Honestly, I couldn't even begin to think about how I felt about her after everything that she said and done that night, but her voice, the way she seemed to care about me so much and care about my welfare, it sparked even more confusion in me. Anyway, I'll get back to that soon enough diary, but for now let's keep focusing on Xavier here.

I vaguely remember that night in Xavier's car, he had laid me in the back seat of the car and I briefly was watching him as I gained consciousness again, but I could feel it slipping from me without warning. In those few brief moments, I watched as Xavier frantically drove the car, weaving in and out of traffic it's a miracle he didn't crash. He looked distraught, he was crying, mumbling to himself that he was a failure, that he didn't get there in time. At the time I didn't manage to take notice of it, I couldn't, yet that was memorable enough for me to keep it in the back of my mind.

As I'm on the subject of Xavier, I managed to catch up with him that day that he kissed me. I can't say that it didn't shock me, but also, I couldn't stop thinking about it. How he applied the perfect amount of pressure to my lips, how he held either side of my face ever so gently, how he whispered against my lips ever so lightly. Any woman would have killed to have a kiss like that from someone they loved.

However,

I didn't.

But he did. You could tell that he at least had feelings for me, possible even love me. But how could I not have seen it earlier? Thinking about it now, how he spoke to me as he danced with me that night in the club, I thought it was just friendly kind words, but now I see it was the start at least, of something more than that.

For your curiosity diary, no, me and Xavier are not together. I caught up with him that day and we spoke heavily about everything. He told me that he never intended on telling me if Jess had not said anything that day. He said he wanted me to tell him first or someone that I liked him and not have his feelings being pressured onto me, which I think was actually, extremely sweet and thoughtful of him.

I can't deny that it actually made me feel a little something for him, but not enough that I could return his feelings. Of course, he was hurt but he knew that it would be the case. Adorably though, he said he couldn't give up on me so easily and that he would wait for me to make a move on him seeing as he's done the first one to me. We both laughed, but I happily agreed. He's an odd one but he's cute and maybe in the future me and him might be together.

For a few days since then I haven't spoken to him. He's kind of been avoiding me. I think he just needs his space. Every time I have seen or spoken to him though I've been with Jess and Jake, but he just smiles at me and turns the other way.

I've tried not to think about it too much, but it's hard not to when someone who claimed to love you suddenly avoids you.

Speaking of love diary, this brings me back to Zara. I haven't seen her since that night, but I have heard that she was held in a police cell for a few days before being released on bail. She's free to roam around now, I'm thankful she hasn't come and found me, however.

I'm still confused, and my head is so scrambled about everything. Yet, I can't help but feel like I miss her every single day. I miss holding her diary, I miss kissing her, I miss her smooth skin under my fingernails, I miss her blonde hair and her bright blue eyes. I miss everything about her diary, and I still believe she loves me and that she never was with Sarah. Although, she might have been but only until she realised, she loved me instead.

Why is love so hard?

Why does my head argue with my heart consistently about these things? And why do I let them keep doing it over and over again? Diary, I need help with it all, but who will help me?

I always check my phone to see if she's messaged if she's going to call. Or even if I want to text or call her first, but I never do, fearing that she won't speak to me. Pathetic I know.

Anyway, I don't have much time to daydream about the impossible at the moment, because I'm need to stop talking to your diary and get ready to open my brand new clothing shop that I've set up recently. It's not a big shop but it's perfect to me and I can't wait to start this brand-new adventure.

It's new and it's scary but I'm excited to start this and make it big!

Anyway diary, I can't stay and talk anymore. Me Jess, Jake and Xavier have all got a shop to open.

Fingers crossed... it all goes well.

Until next time diary....

Signed,

Chiara Wilkins.