The Potions Master and I

Chapter 13

My romantic rendezvous with Sirius had left me with an odd hollow feeling. An ache deep in my chest that couldn't be eased.
It's not that I missed him, or wished for more from him. I'm not sure why, but I was fine with not seeing him again.

I think It was the fact that I had tasted what it was like for a man to want you so badly he couldn't contain himself, and I craved that affection, that approval. I enjoyed being desired, enjoyed seeing the way I had made him feel. It was a very good kiss, one that I would never forget. But I knew he was not the man I actually wanted in my life and was fine parting with him.

Though I was proud of myself for finally taking something I wanted, I couldn't deny the shame and sorrow that was associated with the memory now. I hated the way Sirius had snickered as Snape snatched me up like he enjoyed the controversy and anger it had caused. Like maybe he wasn't necessarily interested in me, but in getting back at Snape for something. I felt played with, and now that I had served his purpose he had thrown me away. It hurt me deeply that I had been taken advantage of by a much older man.

My first kiss was as thrilling as it was traumatizing, yet I was oddly detached from it all like it wasn't that bad. I guess that was my mind trying to cope with the complicated situations it was being put through. Either way, this had helped me determine that I had no interest in starting a relationship with anyone any time soon. The thought of being touched again in an intimate sense made me cringe.

I never told a soul, not even Cedric, and I was nervous Snape might snitch on me. My actions could get me into big trouble, and I'm sure Lupin as well. Hopefully, it never came to that.

As if that wasn't enough, my dreams continued to plague me at night, cruel and harsh, much like Sirius's lips bruising mine. I began to see glimpses of events. Flashes of the dark figure walking beside me, sometimes in the forest, sometimes in a library or a dining room. It was odd the places the dreams were taking place. It was as if I was seeing images of my life with this figure, the mundane places we might be together, only the figure held a great deal of animosity, always keeping a distance between us.

The night I kissed Sirius, my dreams felt like they were punishing me. The hopes and blissful euphoria the figure brought were ripped away, replaced with empty pain and sorrow as the dark form moved farther away.
The clearest vision I had ever seen appeared. A dark hand tightly gripping mine, so hard I felt my fingers begin to go numb. The hand was smooth and firm, large and calloused and I never felt so protected and safe, so desperate to keep a hold. Like if I let go I would never feel ok again.

I had awoken when the pain in my hand became too much, clutching my fingers to my chest as I cried. I was used to this by now, or at least I should have been. I allowed the tears to stream down my face until my breathing slowed and I could pull myself together. My room was beginning to make me anxious, the association of the dreams and darkness of night filling me with dread. I couldn't stand the feel of my sweaty sheets and quiet room. Determined to shake myself of the horrible nightmares, I found myself wandering the halls, looking for a place of comfort.

Cedric and I's room was too close to the boy's dormitories and I had no interest in potentially being caught around them.
I'd move from room to room, sometimes reading, sometimes writing to my parents. I couldn't settle in one place, so I took to trying out different offices and parts of the castle. Sometimes I wanted a room with a desk, sometimes a comfy sofa or recliner. Sometimes I wanted a nice view out a window or walls decorated with wild paintings that kept my interest until it was time to go get ready for the day.

Whatever it was, I just needed a distraction from all the changes and negative emotions. It was a way to escape and process my new life in a way that felt ok. I was falling apart but also healing at the same time. Adulthood was a wild ride.