Moonshine

Chapter 25- Agápi Mou

"Mum would be so happy to hear she has a grandchild named after her."
Already, his mum would make veiled references to wanting grandchildren, and usually they became rather pointed whilst directed at Peter and Susan.
He hadn't been able to tell her that she did have grandchildren, by way of him- if he had, he'd have been checked into a mental asylum.
"She's not quite as good at cooking as your mum is-" was, his brain corrected him, "but she's a fantastic baker. She'd make all sorts of cookies and cakes for our children."

"Our children are dead." She knew he was trying to make her feel better, and himself, too, but everything he said just made her feel worse and even more filled with guilt. "Their corpses aren't going to have cake, Edmund."

He paled, even more than he already was, and a look of mingled defeat and hardness set over his features.
"I was just- I was just thinking. What could have happened."

And instantly, Sanya felt horrible. He had been using exactly what she used to cope- daydreams, dreams, scenarios made up from imagination. She had been violent, and monstrous, and she had done unspeakable things to survive and get here- but she couldn't be like that, not anymore. She didn't want to be that, she just wanted to go back to how she had been.
How could she be so cruel, so callous about something like this?
"I'm so sorry- I did not mean to snap-" She shook her head, feeling that same expanding panic in her chest- not for him leaving, but for having hurt him. "It- it's just-" her nose seemed to burn, a sure sign that she was close to tears, "it's been- it's been a truly horrible thirteen hundred years, darling. I can't- it's just-" she lifted up the hand that had been lying across his chest, and wiped at her eyes, "I've been so-" sad, broken, alone, lost, the adjectives were never-ending, "it's been hard."

"I can't begin to imagine what you've been through."
She hadn't told him anything, apart from a quiet admittance that she'd been in Neráida for the past thousand years- but she must've been through so much, it made his skin crawl to even think of it.
"And it's all my fault-"

"It's not."
He was not blaming himself. She wouldn't let him.
"Whatever I've been through, it's been my choice. I chose to go down those paths. Yes, I chose them because I love you-" his grip around her tightened, "but it was still my choice. Nothing was your fault, Edmund."
But then she couldn't help a small smile, remembering something.
"Except-"

"What?" Alarms rang in his head. "What is it?"

"Sera hated the cold. Like father, like daughter. The number of blankets we had to find for her when she got colds in winter- at a point, I couldn't even tell there was someone underneath all those layers. Entirely your fault." It had amused Jem, and annoyed Selene, who had rather liked winter. "She had your eyes, too."

Something tugged at his heartstrings, and his voice was far too soft, "Really? She did?"
It was astounding. He had never even met her, and he already loved her so much he would give up chess for her.
Not that he would have the chance to. He would never meet her.

"No." Sanya hadn't joked to him in so long, she should take the opportunity now that she had it. "She had blonde hair like the sun and blue eyes, and on her eighth birthday, I told her that she was Peter's and my love child."

He blinked very rapidly, an all-too familiar refrain of insecurity from his childhood years- Peter was better, everyone loved Peter and not he, he didn't deserve anything good, Peter did, Peter was gold and he was tarnish- playing in his mind.
"What?"

"I'm joking, my love. If I had to cheat on you with one of your siblings, I'd choose Susan."

Edmund didn't look impressed.

"Joking again." Sanya deserved to have her fun, it had been centuries since she'd genuinely enjoyed anything. "Seraphina did have your eyes. Everyone said she looked like me, but her eyes were yours. Big, beautiful, and dark- like chocolate." As long as she kept remembering things about her, and Selene, and Jem, Sanya knew her smile wouldn't leave her face. "She had a cat- well, panther, as a pet, too- they were inseparable. And Sera was always too shy and anxious to ask for anything-"