Power & Control

19: bad idea!

~A

I kept tapping my pencil on my notebook to the beat I had in my head, inspiration striking me to start writing a song the minute I boarded the plane back to London. Louis was sat next to me, his headphones on as he had his laptop propped up on the small fold out table. I swear, that guy never stops working.

I should get him a vacation for his next birthday. Somewhere nice. With breakfast included. Louis loves his pancakes in the morning. Maybe somewhere exotic would be a nice change for him.

The entire band was scattered around the plane, the distant sound of Perrie and Julia laughing at something hitting my ears as I attempted to put my focus on the song idea I had before it slipped my mind. I took my phone out, humming the short melody I had for the song I had titled as bad idea onto my notebook, random lyrics all around the paper. I had no clue if this song would ever be completed, or if I'd ever show it to anyone for that matter. I was reluctant to do so. Part of me didn't want to validate Niall by actually writing a song about him, though half of it was already down on my notes, so I guess it was a bit too late for that. Maybe I shouldn't had started writing this at all. And I should definitely not play it for him. He'd know instantly. That cocky bastard would guess the song was about him in a matter of seconds. And he'd definitely gloat about it to his friends.

Everything that involved Niall was a bad idea. From allowing myself to spend so much time getting irritated over whatever he did, to giving into the temptation and letting him get close to me. But the worst was allowing myself to find comfort into his arms, letting myself feel security as he held me through the night. The worst part of it all was how I actually felt like there was something missing when he wasn't there in the morning, even if that feeling lasted for barely a second as I stretched my arm to find an empty mattress. I doubt I'd be able to forgive myself for that any time soon. Because it was stupid. I was being stupid by feeling like there was a spark between us just because he offered to stay with me until I fell asleep, telling me about his past.

So I made a decision to avoid anything that had to do with him. I stayed as far away from his side of the stage during our last show, then made sure we didn't run into each other after it and on our way to the airport this morning. My plan was working, because I've only seen him from afar when we were getting into the different cars this morning and when we were waiting to board the plane, where I occupied myself by going over my schedule for the next week with Louis and Niall was hanging around with Ty and Duncan like usual. I'd be super busy for a couple of days, which was good. It wouldn't give me time to worry about anything else. I liked being busy. I liked the hustle and bustle that came with the job. I liked going from interview to interview, no matter how repetitive they could sometimes get. I liked all of it because I felt like I was actually doing something with my life, something I wanted and something I earned for myself.

I closed my notebook, leaving the pencil inside to keep me from losing the page as I placed it on my table next to the sealed water bottle I was given earlier. I was lucky to have an empty seat on the side of the aisle, so I didn't even need to bother Louis and have the whole awkward walking past him to get out of the row of seats. He didn't even realise I left, too engrossed in his work as I got up and went to the bathroom, knocking before I entered even though the sign by the door handle read unoccupied in capital green letters.

I got inside and turned the lock, the light coming on automatically to reveal the confined space of the toilet and tiny sink. I was relieved to see it looked clean, though I purposely waited until I saw a flight attendant coming out of it to ensure it wasn't as gross as usual before I came here. I still lined the toilet seat with paper before sitting down to pee though. Hearing a knock on the door wasn't at all surprising considering how many people were on this flights. What really was though was the sound of my name the second I was done washing my hands.