The sixth sense

Chapter 25

EMMA

Dad thinks I'm out of my mind when I tell him about my desire to live with Mom and come to take my things. We are in the living room and he looks confused.
"Is it because you're lacking my attention? I know Amelia and I spend a lot of time together but I thought it wasn't a problem for you."
I shake my head, thinking about how much he and I have in common, and always find the reason for everything in us and not in someone else.
"Dad, I'm really happy to know you have Amelia and that you spend so much time together. But I miss Mom a lot." It's partially true. I miss Mom, but my desire to leave has nothing to do with her. I just can't stand the idea of seeing Lili again. I can't imagine having breakfast with her, or lunch, or dinner, or simply living under the same roof with her. I'm so mad at her, though my anger for her is much stronger than for Adam. Because a small part of me is still trying to find an explanation for what he has done. I'm waiting for his apology, hoping we can fix things between us.
I'm not as naïve as I was five months ago. I know we can't be together anymore or return what's been lost. And Adam . . . he won't beg for my forgiveness.
Dad knows I'm hiding something, but he lets it go. There's always a distance between fathers and daughters. He doesn't know what to do. Amelia walks into the living room, holding a piece of paper in her hand.
"Lili went to see her father," she says, puzzled. "She didn't ask for my permission or advice. She left, leaving a note on her bedside table."
I can see how angry she is. She takes her phone and calls her daughter.
"What happened between you two," Dad asks in a whisper. His words surprise Amelia. "Emma wants to live with her mom for a while."
Amelia's eyes are on me now. "Emma," she calls my name but I shake my head wordlessly, saying my desire to leave has nothing to do with Lili.
"Maybe she missed her dad," I say, shrugging, and stand from the chair. "I need to pack my things."
It looks like Amelia wants to ask something but Dad stops her. "She won't say a word," I hear him say. He knows me so well.
The door to Lili's room is wide opened. It's clean; the bed is made and all the things on her desk know their place. My room is the opposite of hers. It's messy, with an unmade bed and cosmetics and clothing everywhere. I look at the bookcase with the books sorted by size. There's not a single romance story among them. But I can see the biographies, encyclopedias, fantasy stories, east practices, and motivational books. My room is full of teary romance books, fairytales about the first love with the same happily-after ending.
She's so different from me. Her room smells like her favorite floral perfume and I wish she were here now. I wish I could tell her everything I think about her and what she has done to me. I wish I could let it out and make her feel guilty.
A notebook, lying under the bed, catches my attention. It's bright red and it's impossible not to see it. I take it into my hand. A piece of paper falls from it to the floor. It looks like an old newspaper. It's of a dirty yellow color with dark spots here and there. The title says, 'Welcome to Rome!' I look at the black and white picture beneath the title. Seeing it, makes my eyes water. Lili and Adam . . . they're kissing in the picture. Kissing as if the world around them doesn't exist at all. It's so romantic and painful. I want to tear the damn picture into shreds but then I open the notebook and put it inside.
The words on the papers are written in a small hand. I squint my eyes, trying to read it and my eyes adjust to the crabbed flourishes. I start to read the text.
Dear Adam...
I shut the notebook abruptly; my heart beats fast in my chest. I'm curious and scared at the same time. I know the text isn't written for me. But I can't help myself. I open the notebook again and keep reading it. The words turn into sentences and my heartbeat accelerates. I hear someone's footsteps in the hall and leave the room in a hurry, afraid someone will see me there. Her personal diary is in my hands. They're shaking and my breathing becomes heavy. I walk into my room and lock it.
With my trembling hands, I open the first page of the diary and read it. I feel like my whole body's shaking now. I'm not ready to read her confessions. It hurts to read their love story. It hurts to read about Adam's feelings for her and the way his touches affected her. Everything inside my soul's in turning upside down. Jealousy, embarrassment, regret, anger, torments, and helplessness. Turning pages, one by one, I feel more tears run down my cheeks. Some words make me smile sadly, others smirk. But in general, her words are warm and touching and dipped in so much love. Their love. I look at their pictures taken in a PhotoBox. She glued them to one of the pages. Adam and Lili look so happy, carefree, and beautiful. It hurt to look at them now.
Sometime later, I receive a text from her and a new wave of anger rises inside me. I'm furious because they lied to me and betrayed me. But when I get to the last page of the diary, I feel an endless emptiness inside me.
"Which is why I need to leave and stay away from you. Because I can't build my happiness on Emma's tears. No matter how much I love you . . ."
I feel like I lost the game. There weren't any games between us. Still, I feel like I lost one. I hate Lili for stealing Adam from me. And then, the realization hits me.
Adam never belonged to me . . .
Lili never stole him from me. Because all this time, he belonged to her. She's the very girl from Italy he was so scared to lose; the very girl he was drawing; the very girl he told me so much about with his eye glowing at the mare memory of her. If she didn't lose her phone, everything would be different. And I wouldn't become the person breaking into their relationship.
My egotistical desires and self-assurance wouldn't break them apart. My capricious behavior, unstoppable offenses, and hurt self-esteem would never become an obstacle to their happiness.
A part of me refuses to see the obvious—the very part that wears the crown of selfishness with all the pride it feels. But I'm so tired of being a fool, tired of being a girl, demanding more and more attention. I'm tired of being an offended person who always needs someone to help her lick her wounds. I need to learn how to take care of myself. I need to learn how to control my life and be happy. Neither Adam nor anyone else can help me with it. I'm tired of hiding from the world around me.
"Emma, it's time to follow the rules of this game," I whisper to myself. "You can't use Adam to hide from the pain and disappointments of your life."
My voice doesn't sound like mine. But it's the first time in my life that I refuse to be the victim and blame everyone around me. I want to face everything I've been hiding from for so long.
Dad knocks at my door three times, unlike Amelia, who always knocks just once.
I walk to the door and open it. "What happened?"
"Amelia talked to Lili and she said she did something terrible. Why don't you tell us the truth, Emma?"
The look of his eyes is full of worry. Dad's nervous.
"Okay," I say, hearing the front door of the apartment open and close.
"Hi, Adam," Amelia greets him. "Come in, please. Emma's in her room."
His visit surprises me. And then, I hear him say something that makes me smile sadly.
"Actually . . . I was looking for Lili."
How shall I call him now? My ex-best friend? My ex-boyfriend? Of course, he's here to see Lili.
Amelia doesn't know what to say. "Lili went to Lausanne to see her father." 
I leave the room and meet his eyes across the hall. He lowers his head.
"Do you know when's going to be back?"
I won't let Amelia answer her question. "We need to talk," I say to Adam in a cold, calm voice. Adam looks at me and nods thoughtfully. I'm sure he's waiting for tears and hysterics but I'm about to surprise him.
He follows me wordlessly into my room. My father and Amelia share a puzzled look but say nothing.
Adam closes the door behind him and waits for me to say something. I don't want to make him wait forever.
"I hate you for hiding the truth from me." I try to sound firm and keep my emotions under control. My voice vibrates a little but I hope he won't notice that. "But I know why you did that. I hate Lili for your love for her but I know it's not her fault," I continue my confessional speech. "And I hate myself for my weakness and selfishness; for needing you like anything in the world. Your understanding, kindness, and love were something I always needed to feel. You were there for me, no matter what, and I was such a fool to believe it would be like that forever."
He tousles his rebellious hair in one nervous move. "I don't know what to say, Ems," he says softly. "I want to apologize but I know it's pointless. Still, I want you to know I'm sorry."
"We both made mistakes, Adam. We screwed it up so badly."
He leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes. "What do I do now?" The perplexity in his voice touches me. I can't stand seeing him like that.
I look at my best friend, at someone who's been with me since childhood, and I know I can't wish him anything but happiness. Despite my anger, hatred, and lies he made me believe in. I still want him to be happy. Pauline would call me crazy but I can't cross out twelve years of our friendship just like that. Those were the most amazing years, full of love and unconditional acceptance.
"If you love her, go after her, Adam." I come closer and take his hand in mine. "If everything she wrote in her diary is true, it's the love you need to fight for."
Now I know the meaning of those words. You need to fight for love if it's mutual. But it's pointless to force it if you know you will never be able to replace someone else. You can't make someone love you, hoping they will forget those they truly love. Now I know that being loved means to be special for someone; to be the one.
"Don't let her go just like that," I whisper. "This time, you really need to go to Lausanne."
Adam opens his eyes and looks at me. His look is deep and careful, full of sadness and regrets.
"You're amazing," he says.
I shake my head and step back, taking the red notebook from the bed. "Buy a ticket to Lausanne and read this on your way there. I'll ask Amelia for Lili's address."
Adam catches my hand, pulls me to his chest, and hugs me tightly. "Will you ever forgive me?" he asks.
I can't lie to him. "I don't know."
I don't know how long it will take for the pain in my heart to lessen or for me to stop loving him as if he were the only guy in the world.
I break out of his embrace. "I'll text you the address, and now . . ." I pause, feeling a lump form in my throat. "Goodbye, Adam." My voice's shaking; words are hard to pronounce.
I want to sound firm but I fail and my goodbye sounds like dipped in pain from my shattered dreams, deep sadness, and love that never found the response in his heart.
His eyes are burning with emotions. He's not ready to say goodbye to me. I can see that. But we both know it's for the best. He steps closer and touches my forehead with his lips. Then wordlessly, he leaves the room.
This is how our story ends, my dear . . . my dear friend.
My parents come to my room. From their faces, I know they're waiting for explanations.
"I need tea and Lili's address," I say to them. "Then, I promise, I'll tell you everything."
Amelia gives me the address and Dad makes me a cup of tea. I wrap my cold fingers around the hot cup and begin telling them my story. I tell them the whole truth. About Italy, about my dreams, and about the three of us getting stuck in love, friendship, and well, life. About our mistakes that turned into a huge snowball and then rolled down the hill, smashing everything on its way.