The sixth sense

Chapter 13

LILI

"Does it hurt?" I ask, taking a step back. It's wrong to come too close to him. It's wrong to be worried about him or feel pity for him. But I can't help myself.
Adam's studying my eyes. His look's deep and scrutinizing like he wants to say something, but debating. Then he finally says, taking a step forward, "You hurt me so much worse."
His confession catches me by surprise. I don't know what to say in response. I can feel pain swimming in his look and I'm dying to hide from it. I remember thinking about hurting him and making him suffer. But all I want now is to hide from him and never see him again. Knowing how much I hurt him doubles my pain. I want to ask him about the fight, at the same time dying to finish this conversation as soon as possible.
"I gotta go," I say in a hurry.
"The back door is over there." Adam points with his chin to the opposite end of the hall.
Silently, I start walking down the hall, hearing his steps behind me. It's dark here and the hall is very narrow. The closer we come to the exit, the narrower the hall becomes. I can feel Adam's presence and his burning stare at the back of my neck. The door looks enormous. I wrap my fingers around the iron handle, intending to give it a pull when suddenly, Adam stops me. He places his palm a little over my head, holding the door in place.
"Let me out," I whisper.
He doesn't say a word, but the distance between us closes. I can feel his chest with my back. And then his cheek rubs against my hair; my fingers slip off the handle. His touch is too intimate, and it feels so damn good to be so close to him, to be trapped by him.
"What are you doing, Adam?" I whisper again.
"I wish I knew," he replies thoughtfully. Then he bends his head and whispers into my ear, "But I know that you can feel it too."
I turn around abruptly, intending to push him away from me, but his heavy stare stops me. My eyes travel across his chin, his five o'clock shadow, and lips that I've been dreaming of kissing for the past five months. His lower lip is red and swollen.
"Why do you need a therapist, Lili?" he asks, studying my face.
I swallow hard and lower my eyes. I can't say a word, knowing my voice will give away every emotion, tearing me apart.
"What happened to you?" Another question, another moves closer to me. Our faces are millimeters apart; the tension between us is growing like crazy. His smell envelops me like a blanket and all I can think about is how much I want to lean closer, feel his warmth, and melt into him. I'm angry at myself for being so weak against him, for everything I want being as impossible as ever. Why? Because the reason is more than obvious—he's seeing someone else.
"Why do you care?" I finally dare to ask. My voice is filled with ironic notes.
Adam's lacking of words; his eyes keep searching my face. They are full of warmth and it drives me up the wall.
"What the hell are you doing, Adam?" I break free from his arms and give him the angriest of my looks. "What happened to me in the past has nothing to do with my present, Adam. Telling you about it won't change the fact that you're dating my step-sister! How dare you to pretend you care about me if my five-day silence was enough for you to start a new relationship, Adam!" I can't hide my pain and disappointment.
He swears quietly in response and tries to come closer, but I stop him. "Stay where you are and don't come any closer!" I snap and he stops moving.
"I . . ." he pauses. "I texted and called you so many times. But you ignored me. I didn't know what to think," he says in a barely audible voice and then lowers his eyes. "I thought it was your way to tell me it was over."
"After everything that happened between us in Italy . . . you thought I could disappear just like that? Without any reason to do so?"
He looks up again and our gazes meet. "Like I said, I didn't know what to think. You vanished as if you never existed in my life at all."
"Is that why you chose Emma to help you forget about me?" my voice raises several octaves. "Do you even love her, Adam?"
No response follows. I hit his chest full force. "Answer, damn it!"
Another silent pause follows.
"Do you or do you not?" I look into his eyes and press my lips together. My heart is about to jump out of my chest, waiting for his reply.
"I care about her . . ." he finally says. "But . . ." he stops abruptly, bites his lip, and frowns at the pain it causes.
I didn't know what I expected to hear from him. God, I was being such a fool! Deep down in my heart, I wanted to hear a simple 'no'. Knowing how much I wanted him to say that hurts and I hate it.
"There's no 'but', Adam. Keep loving her and do me a favor and leave me alone. What did you say? Oh, right—as if you never existed in my life at all." My voice's trembling but I can't control it. I push him away from the door and finally leave the building. The sun is blazing and I can't see anything ahead of me, almost knocking down a man passing by me. I apologize on the run and speed up, trying to get as far away as possible from the guy I used to love with all my naïve heart. The wind is playing with my hair and the green leaves on the trees.
"Lili, wait!" Adam shouts after me and I start running even faster. I turn around the corner and slow down.
I have no idea where I am. The avenue ahead of me is beautiful. The sun is falling onto the buildings and giant trees. The street lamps cause shadows to dance on the road. I'm trying to find the name of the avenue and see a blue tablet, saying, 'Boulevard des Capucines'. I wonder if it takes me long to learn how to navigate around the city. The weather is amazing but my soul's in chaos. I can hear the voices, coming from the overcrowded cafes, then I see 'Starbucks' nearby, and decide to go there to drink a cup of tea with a piece of cheesecake. I try to think about anything, but Adam, hoping to make the pain go away. The feelings of remorse and guilt are killing me. Emma's my step-sister and I can't make her suffer because of my feelings for Adam and everything that he and I shared in the past.
I cross the threshold of the café and freeze to the spot. I've never been to a more beautiful Starbucks. It looks like one of the rooms of a castle. The ceiling is decorated with paintings, golden benches, and pompous chandeliers. In Paris, everything's amazing, even Starbucks. I look at the barrister and he smiles at me. I walk closer and return his smile, making an order. He takes it and points up.
"The roof over there is made of glass and the entire space looks like a huge sunroom," he says, gracing me with another smile.
I take my cup. "Thank you."
I walk to the square room with the glass roof; the sun is everywhere around me. I take a seat at a round table, trying to start thinking straight again. How do I suppress my attraction to Adam? How do I stop nursing hope for a happy future with him? I have no idea . . .
My phone buzzes, announcing the arrival of a new message. I read it with a strong feeling of guilt knocking the air out of my lungs. The message is from Emma, 'Lili, how's Adam? Could you please stay with him for a while? Ferrar won't let us leave any time soon and I'm worried about him.'
I don't know what to tell her. Tears burn my eyes. I turn off my phone and take my red notebook. There are too many emotions in my heart that need a way out. Fear, desperation, anger, indignation, disappointment, and . . . love. Painful, unnecessary, and desperate for return. I open a new page and start writing.