The sixth sense

Chapter 19

LILI

Mom sits down on my bed, and I open my eyes and sit up abruptly. My eyes start frantically search the red notebook, but when I see it on the floor, I let out a relieved breath. I sure as hell don't want her to read it.
"Emma told me everything," she says and carefully takes my hand in hers. "How are you feeling?"
"I've been better," I say honestly, rubbing my hip and wrist. Hitting the asphalt didn't do me good, but the pain and discomfort appeared much later.
"I spoke to Bertrand. He's waiting for your video call later today."
I grimace, and Mom loses it. "Lili, stop being so irresponsible!"
"Mom, don't you understand? It's hard to talk about what happened to me with a man," I confess. "It's hard to tell him how scared I was when I felt someone's hand on my body . . . how disgusting it was to feel someone searching through my pockets and touching me."
Mom looks shocked because it's the first time I tell her the details I never mentioned before. Just once, when we were in the hospital, I told her they touched me where I didn't want to be touched. I can see tears glisten in her eyes and I start hating myself for everything I just told her.
"Don't cry, please. I still feel guilty for everything that happened to me . . ."
Mom's arms are around me and she kisses my cheek. "Everything's gonna be all right, my girl. We'll find a different therapist. Someone you'll be comfortable to share your thoughts with."
I run my palm up her back, whispering, "Thanks."
I hope my new therapist won't be asking questions about my father. I don't say a word about it to Mom because I know it will cause dozens of questions I'm not ready to answer.
Adam never responded to my text. I spent the rest of the day in my room, doing my best to avoid Emma. I don't know how to look her in the eye after everything that happened today. I feel guilty for welcoming her boyfriends' embrace right in front of her eyes. I didn't want him to stop embracing me or let me go. I'm sure she's confused and most likely trying to find a logical explanation for my weird behavior. But I'm too tired and weak to pretend nothing happened.
At night, I fall asleep late and wake up at eight-ten in the morning. I don't have time for a run or to have breakfast. I take a quick shower, get dressed, grab my backpack, and leave the room in a hurry.
"Let's go, Lili! We're being late!" Emma shouts. "I poured some coffee into a thermos and bought you a croissant. You'll eat on the way to school."
"Thanks," I say, looking for any traces of anger and unspoken questions on her face. But Emma smiles and rushes me out of the apartment.
"Let's hurry up." She shuts the door behind us. I let out a breath and follow her down the stairs.
Surprisingly, we aren't late. The first class is math. When the bell rings, Madame Peno walks into the classroom and takes a seat at her desk. The class buzzes with talks and she frowns, annoyed. "Quiet!" she says in a loud voice. The talks stop and she nods in approval. "Much better. Good morning everyone. Hope you have had enough sleep last night because we're about to start a new important topic."
Peno puts her books into a pile; her eyes are searching the desk. "Where's the journal?"
"Lea's absent today," someone says about the girl whose responsibility is to make sure our teachers have our class journal on every lesson.
"Lili, could you bring the journal, please?" the teacher asks.
I stand and leave the classroom. The hall's empty and quiet, so when I hear someone's footsteps behind me, I stop and turn around. Adam's following me. He runs to catch up with me and stops next to me.
"How are you feeling?" he asks.
His presence makes me nervous. We'd better avoid staying alone in an empty hall. But he's so handsome and his mare look makes me feel small and stupid, along with all the forbidden thoughts running through my head.
"I'm fine," I say shortly and start walking again.
Adam blocks my way. "I've been thinking a lot these days . . . I hate myself for never coming to Lausanne," he confesses.
I sigh and shrug. "It doesn't matter anymore."
"Not true. It does matter a lot. I saw your face when you looked at those small pictures I dropped. You still remember everything, Lili . . ."
At the mention of the pictures, anger starts boiling inside me. "Speaking of which. What the hell were you thinking, putting them into your workbook? What if Emma saw them?"
"We need to tell her everything, Lili."
I shake my head. "Are you out of your mind?"
"We need to talk to her, together, and tell her everything."
"You're insane, Adam! Have you thought about her reaction to our confessions? But the most important question is why would we tell her anything at all? You made your choice. You chose her."
"Stop reminding me about the choices I made!" Adam flares and I can see anger cover her face. "I made a lot of mistakes! It's hard to forget about them, Lili. But I'm not ready to let you go, to let us go and forget about what happened between us. I can't forget about you! Don't you understand?"
He steps closer and takes my hand. "We can't avoid each other anymore; we need to talk to Emma."
I pull my hand out of his. I'm scared to imagine telling her the truth about us. I'm scared to face the consequences of our confession. I can't hurt her intentionally.
"Adam, I don't know why you keep telling me you can't forget about me but there's nothing to tell Emma about. You and I—we're done, okay? You've got a girlfriend. So please, leave me alone." My words are rude and hateful. The amount of indignation inside me is over the edge. How can he be so heartless and ask me to tell Emma the truth? I can't even begin to imagine talking to her about us.
"We need to tell her the truth," he repeats quietly. "I can't keep lying to her." He looks into my eyes. "She deserves to know the truth."
"No one deserves a broken heart, Adam," I say in a barely audible voice. Then I turn around abruptly and run away from him. I find the journal in the teacher's room and return to the classroom, catching Emma's studying look on me. She looks puzzled as if she wants to ask me something but doesn't know how to do it. I put the journal on the teacher's desk and return to my seat. I can feel Adam's stare on my back and my fury hits the roof. There's only thought in my head now—no one deserves a broken heart. No one.