The way I found you

32| Mama

.. More… aware…", she summed up her thoughts, looking down to the ground, searching for comfort in the tiles. Her head was so empty and full at the same time that it overwhelmed her. She heard Fred's words in his mind like an echo that followed her everywhere she was going, even in her sleep. "You have no idea what she took from me". Fred's words were clear and aggressively circling inside of her head. 

"Lana… that's normal. Sure we had longer working hours but he knew that you were an actress from the beginning on. He knew what that meant and he knew better than all how passionate you are….", Sean said, trying to find her eyes but when he was finally able to look at them he was looking into nothingness. The bright usual shine was gone, replaced by a mix of emotions he couldn't tell apart. It was like looking at a blank sheet of paper, so pure and innocent but not meaningful. "Something else happened…", he figured calmly, looking at her frowning. He took her hand in his, giving it a soft squeeze to encourage her to talk about it. Whatever it might be that was hunting her from day to day since they had faced her former husband. 

"I… there is a part of Fred and my story that I never told anyone. It's a part where… I failed. Completely…", Lana said with tears forming in her eyes. Her voice died along the way, when her feelings went up and down in no time, sending her on a rollercoaster of emotions. She didn't have much control of her body left, when the memories that she tried so desperately to forget searched their way through her mind, causing her to tense up and shake uncontrollably. 

Sean immediately noticed the sudden change, placing his hands on each side of her shoulder to keep her steady. "It's alright. You don't have to tell me if it is too hard to talk about.", he said gently but Lana shook her head, willing to talk about what had happened with someone outside of her own mind. To share her thoughts and maybe pain, to make him understand and to get it off her head. 

"I… I actually was… pregnant… once.", she said in a broken voice, swallowing to concentrate on the words that needed to come out of her mouth after this sentence. "And… I… I lost it."

Her voice wasn't more than a whisper, which went quieter and quieter during the words since it was still hard for her to even think back at that time. It wasn't only the baby she lost, it was also a piece of herself that broke that day, which healed only slowly. She knew that Fred wasn't just talking about her, never having time. Deep down in his anger was way more than that. He blamed her. He blamed her for everything that had happened, for the loss and the pain both of them had. It had pushed them apart from each other like nothing they had ever faced before, leaving a tiny hole in each heart. 

Sean's mouth stood open by now when he tried to think out how to calm his girlfriend down and how to stand by her side. 

"He… he is blaming me for the miscarriage because I was so busy that I didn't even notice that I was pregnant. I had no idea until the day I lost it.", she cried out, burying her face in Sean's shirt. Her sound of crying was horrible. It wasn't a simple sobbing, it was grief. Grief that hadn't been processed. Tears were running freely over her cheeks, whilst the loud and painful sounds of devastating agony were showing themselves after being buried deep down in her body for such a long time. Her hands desperately searched for something to hold on to, when the feeling of torment inflamed inside of her. A feeling that came with psychological pain that hit Lana as it was hurting her in any physical way. 

Sean saw her troubles, pulled her closer to him within an instant to give her the support she needed. He could feel through his grip how weak she was right now, how tired of fighting against the feeling of failing. Softly he tightened his embrace, trying to contain the anger he had toward the man who had actually blamed his wife for something that wasn't her fault at all. 

"Whatever Fred said, Lana. Losing a baby is NEVER the fault of the woman who carried it.", he started with a long sigh at the end of his sentence. Seeing her upset and fragile like that made even his eyes teary. "Unfortunately, it is a natural process that can happen and I am more than sorry that you experienced it. You need to know that a lot of people are troubled by that and that it's not you, who is to blame. A miscarriage is not your fault.", Sean said clearly and slowly, trying to fix everything Lana's ex-husband had destroyed inside of his girlfriend's mind by overlaying Fred's words with his own.