Snow & Charming
Snow: Honey, we have a few problems.
Charming: Uh oh, why do I have a feeling this will involve lying?
Snow: Because we aren't the brightest parents.
Charming: What's happened? Where are you?
Snow: I'm here with Regina. Someone left their baby in her house and she says if we don't help her keep this quiet, she's going to show Emma the tape.
Charming: Tell Regina she is a piece of work!
Snow: She says, "Work? Ha! Something you know nothing about, Deputy Lazy." Anyway, you need to get over here as soon as possible.
Charming: Can I hang Regina from a pole once I get there?
Snow: You already know the answer to that. And she can read what you're typing!
Charming: Ooo, I'm so scared.
Snow: Listen Idiot #2, this is the woman you shall respect above all others and if you utter another word other than, "Yes, Regina." I am going to make your life a living hell. We clear?
Charming: Yes, Regina.
Snow: Good boy. Now here's your wife.
Charming: Like you haven't already made my life hell.
Snow: Charming?
Charming: Snow?
Snow: I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Charming: It's fine, I'm on my way.
Zelena & Regina
Zelena: Oh sis, I need your help.
Regina: What is it?
Zelena: Marian's trying to enroll Roland at Storybrooke Elementary but they're claiming it's too late in the school year.
Regina: Seriously? You both do know it's only two months left before summer right?
Zelena: Do you understand what it's like for a hyper five year old to run around my house 16 hours a day?
Regina: Hmm...I see your point. I'll pull some strings.
Zelena: Thank you, that's all I ask.
Regina: How's everything on your end?
Zelena: Pretty good. Robin hasn't contacted Marian in days and she seems to be adjusting to moving back pretty well.
Regina: Well keep me updated. I'll call you on Monday after I talk to the school.
Zelena: Sounds good, thanks again Regina.
Cora: MY BABIES ACTUALLY BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER! AND THE BABY HOBBIT!
Emma & Neal
Emma: Neeeeeaaaaal
Neal: ...Yes?
Emma: Hi!
Neal: Hi?
Emma: How r youuuu?
Neal: Uh, fine...Emma are you okay?
Emma: Im perfectly fine. Y do u ask?
Neal: Well, for starters you never use text lingo.
Emma: O psh. Well its easier on the brain, dont u think?
Neal: No. It's harder on my brain to figure out the jumbled crap you're writing.
Emma: Dude chiiiiill. Youre killing ma vibe mayne.
Neal: Vibe? Oh no. Emma...please tell me you aren't high.
Emma: Dude im on fucking cloud nine rite now. I swear dora the explorer is rite here singing to me.
Neal: Where are you?!
Emma: CLOUD NINE FOOL
Neal: I'm calling your parents.
Emma: Ha! Good luck! Theyre stuck inside the video tape.
Neal: Huh?! I'm coming find you, stay where you are.
Emma: I couldnt move if i wanted to or else id fall from the clouds and die.
Neal, Hook, Snow, Regina & Cora
Neal: We have a problem.
Hook: What happened?
Neal: Emma's high right now and doesn't know where she is.
Snow: OH MY GOD! WHO DID THAT TO MY BABY?!
Regina: Uh, Emma is a grown ass woman. I'm sure no one forced her to get high. But I know she's going to suffer when she comes down from whatever cloud she's currently floating on.
Cora: Calm your tits, children. Blondie's fine.
Snow: YOU DID THIS TO HER DIDN'T YOU?!
Cora: Snow, shut the hell up with your caps lock-typing ass.
Hook: Cora, in all seriousness, did you give Swan weed?
Neal: And do you know where she is?
Cora: Yes & No.
Regina: Mother! Why are you ALWAYS at the center of all the chaos.
Cora: Same reason you have a baby in your house.
Snow: How do you know about that AND WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY CHILD DRUGS?!
Cora: A) None of your business. B) Because she ASKED me to.
Neal: Why would she ask you for weed?
Hook: Aye, that doesn't sound like her.
Regina: And please, for the love of darkness, tell me you didn't have anything to do with the child that was here.
Cora: She said she needed to wipe her memory of some tape she watched. And what do you mean was?
Snow: What tape?!
Neal: She said something about a tape and her parents being trapped in it.
Hook: This is so confusing.
Regina: Was as in David took him to Social Services.
Cora: All I know is she said she saw something that could never be erased from her memory so I recommended weed. Simple. AND THAT BABY'S FAMILY IS HERE IN TOWN!
Regina: Ooooh! She saw the tape! Now watching her reaction would be highly entertaining. And it's no longer my problem, mother. It's your mess so you clean it up!
Neal: Hook, help me find her.
Hook: Aye, I'm on my way.
Snow: Oh dear God...she saw the tape...
Regina: I only wish I could've been there to see.
Cora: What the hell is on it?
Snow: Charming and I...
Cora: Doing what?
Snow: Things...
Regina: Having sex in Emma's bed.
Cora: DAAAAAMN! And you say I'm evil! That's low.
Snow: It wasn't on purpose! We just kinda had a moment of passion.
Regina: I almost lost my lunch just then.
Cora: Same...
Snow: Help me fix this damnit!
Regina: Perhaps.
Cora: We'll discuss terms and conditions later.
Snow: Bitches.
Regina: You know it!
Cora: Head bitch in charge!
