I'm letting go
Letting go of every pain
And every person
And every trouble that's had me scared
I'm accepting my parents break up
It's been near 9 years
Although it troubles me to this day
I'm accepting that it's okay
Sometimes people don't work
And it causes problems for others
Deep rooted trauma
That somehow uncovers
The start of my unhappiness
The start of depression
I'm letting go
Of my active aggression
The next thing that ruined me
My father leaving me
I barely saw him anymore
And I was his princess
His little girl
He'd carry me on his shoulders and treasure me like a pearl
I soon became a rock
With little to no value
That broke my self esteem
My heart and my entirety
I just wanted him to love me
To be my best friend like he was
At the age of seven
It was hard to understand
But I had no choice
Life never goes to plan
You left me and its never been the same
I'm too tired now to play your games
In the past we were best of friends
I don't see it happening any time soon
And so father i say goodbye
Goodbye to everything you've caused
Goodbye to living a life revolved around you
I'm no longer involved
With your pointless bullshit
And when my grandfather died
Although I was young
It still hurts my heart
And burns my tongue
Nobody really remembers him
I barely do
I rlly wish I had more time
More time with you
Bipolar
A disorder thats ruined my life
When I was 10 or 11
My mother were sectioned
I had to live away from her
And it wasn't easy
To know your only support was one of the hardest things I've had to do
It damaged me entirely and then I knew
It all went downhill from here
She had a few breakdowns
She'd been sectioned a few times
I've lived in seven different peoples houses and never felt comfortable
I've experienced my own problems
And had to suffer
Growing up without my mother
And my mental well-being
Well, i couldn't tell anyone
I wasn't the main character
I wasn't important
To this day my mum still has her break downs
The last one was my fault
After months the problem came round
My step dad touched me
A major let down
As you see
Previously
I'd been really suicidal
I cut myself
I'd done it a lot
And when i asked for help
I was ignored
I took an overdose because I got bored
I'd traumatised my sister
And disobeyed my lord
I'd tried to take my life
And ended up on a ward
They reversed the pills
18 pills to be precise
I'd fell unconscious
I still think it felt nice
When they woke me up
I had no where to go
My stepdad was the only option
Little did I know
When we got close
He took advantage
He touched me in places
No one should touch
There could've been cases
But there was nothing as such
I told my mum
He lied to the feds and got away
With yet again taking advantage of my vulnerability once again
Mum went crazy when she found out
She couldn't handle it
I shouldn't have told her
I could've his it longer
But longer enough for him to then after rape me
Seemed too much longer
He wasn't the first man who thought it was alright to take advantage
I've always been a quiet easy going friendly girl
And they saw in that an opportunity
When I was younger
Much younger maybe in year 3 or year 2
I had a teacher who would keep me back with him at break time and find things to do
He'd make it seem as if we were staying back away from everyone to have a chat
It was much more then that it's a fact
He'd touch my chest and hug me on the occasion
It wasn't normal
But I lacked love at home
So I assumed it was normal
I mean I would've been around 8 years old
I never knew
What he was doing
How he'd thought it through
And then my ex
He manipulated me
He made me do things I'd never do
I still have dreams about the things i struggled through
There after he broke my heart
He found it funny
I guess it was
To have me dangling on strings
Like a lonely puppet
Controlling the way I live
The way I feel
The way I function
The panic attacks its caused and the self harm scars that lay my body
The physical and mental bruises
Are barely forgotten
Theres more I could get into
But these are the main incidents i haven't let go of so we'll leave it here
I guess now we question what's made me stay
Im not a quitter I know
I'm stronger then that
But there forever comes days that I can't eat or sleep
Days I cant function
And these days are the worst with no discussion
I feel so let down and disappointed in myself
But I know if I got I'm not only letting go of me
I'm letting go of my future
The person I'm supposed to be
I'm abandoning my best friend, the love of my life my everything
I'm leaving my siblings to consume more pain
I'm leaving my friend to panic when hearing my name
I'm leaving my parents to regret how I've been raised
I'm giving up on all I've done in life
I can't give up I'm so much stronger
Ive got a stronger heart
I'm happy to say
I'm willing to give life a fresh start
~H1
