𝙍𝙀𝘿 // 𝘽𝙄𝙇𝙇𝙄𝙀 𝙀𝙄𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙃 𝙁𝘼𝙉𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉

for myself

"wait. you let a stranger dye your hair? please tell me it wasn't in your hotel room."

"jasmine." i breathed out.

"right sorry" she shut her eyes, getting frustrated of herself. "honey, i know you know but cole has final exams right now. it's her senior year. i just- i... i heard you say something about how she is going to make your dad proud and you-"

"being a disappointment?" i continued what she was trying to say. "yeah you heard me right."

"well, don't you think maybe this isn't about cole not having time for you, but more so why she doesn't. she's studying for a purpose and for a career." she chewed her lip trying to say something she holding back on.

"huh?"

"look your dad doesn't think you're a disappointment, he just wants what's best for you because he loves you. don't you think maybe that you think you're a disappointment cause you're using his money? and you're not really doing anything to earn a job or build a career. i'm sorry i don't know how to say what i'm trying to say, but i don't think you're mad at cole here."

"oh god." i widened my eyes. "i'm just like mom. aren't i? i'm just like mom."

"no, blue, no. don't you dare compare yourself to your mom, she's a whole other story. trust me."

"we are both using his money, how are we different jasmine?" i stood up, holding my forehead.

"first off you're his daughter, she's his ex wife. the rest is none of my business to be telling you." she said, defeat in her voice.

"what the fuck happened? i think i deserve to fucking know what happened between my mom and dad that made them spit up so suddenly. i- i'm literally twenty three. holy shit i really am a disappointment huh? twenty fucking three. no job. no house. no partner. no college degree. NOTHING! i have nothing to offer! why did i have to get all my mother traits but her perfect red hair? that's not fair." i ranted, tears escaping my eyes as i walked back and forth.

"her hair is perfect, bu-"

"not making it better jasmine." i cut her off.

"right sorry." she shut up.

"i'm literally going to die jobless and with no love life. literally a fucking loser, i'm going to die a loser." i chuckled. pretty sure all my eye makeup rubbed off and seeped under my eye with my tears.

"maybe you should get a job?" jasmine said in move of a question way.

"like it's that fucking easy! i literally just said that i don't even have a college degree." my chest started feeling heavy, i stopped pacing, slowly slid against the wall and sat on the floor.

"i feel so lonely, i am literally living my dream, but i feel so lonely." i managed to get out. everything around me was blurry and looked like lego blocks. when did everything go wrong? when?

i could feel my throat tighten, i could no longer speak. i was trembling and shaking, i could hear my heart pounding as well as that static noise in the back of my head grow louder and louder. my body felt out of control, i felt out of control.

all i could hear where muffled noises, but i felt my hand on jasmine's chest and she was breathing in.... and out.

in and out

in and out

in and out

in and out

in and out

in and out...

i finally felt normal again, but wasn't ready to talk yet. "it's all going to be okay, i promise you. just give it time, everything is going to make sense soon."

"it doesn't feel like it now." i said, just above a whisper.

"hey, you used to love playing your guitar in high school. what happened to that? you should start playing again. you seemed so happy when playing, it'll be good for you." jasmine suggested.

"i'll see." i sniffled while wiping my tears away with the back of my hand. "sorry for all of that, didn't mean for that to happen. it's getting kinda late, i'm gonna head to the hotel now, i'll talk to cole later. see you." i smiled and hurried out the house.

what the fuck just happened?

panic attacks, i've been getting them ever since the divorce. they've calmed down and were less frequent over time but i still get them. most of the time i have to calm myself down, rock back and forth, take deep breaths, think happy thoughts and all that. when i'm with someone, they end up helping me but i end up being embarrassed and leaving as fast as i can.

that's another reason why i left. i just try and focus on the positive things i have and that i can do. that's impossible to do if i lived in cali. i can't handle seeing my mom, like at all. love jasmine but not when she's all over my dad. the crime rate here is larger than ever and it's just not a happy place for me.

i can't be in a place where i'm not happy, a place where i experience panic attacks every other day. i don't want to be miserable, that's not what i want for myself.