Coffee Shop | Elizabeth Olsen

77: Insecurity

When we got home I hung downstairs with the girls and Nell said she was going to do some work on her computer and disappeared upstairs. After being in the garden for a few hours I got a little chilly as we sat in the garden and went upstairs to grab my hoodie. I went into our room and she was in a ball on the bed sobbing silently, her shoulders shaking. I closed our door and climbed on the bed, I rolled her over and she fought me, she's never done that. "Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me." She pushed me away and moved to the other end of the bed holding herself.

"I'll be back," I tell her. I run back out to the garden. "I'm going to stay with Nell." "Is she okay?" The three girls asked in unison. "I think she's just really tired with everything going on, the planning and what happened today probably didn't help." Pity filled the girl's eyes. "Is there anything we can do? You can take Rose into her, I mean she's asleep but you can wake her." "No, she doesn't want to be touched." I went back inside and she had locked the door. "Eleanor open the door, baby." She didn't reply. "Nell." I  knocked on the door and she unlocked it before I could get in the room she had gone back to the bed. "Nell, baby you can't block me out," I say softly.

"Don't touch me." She told me firmly she was sitting against the headboard. "Okay, I won't I just want to sit with you." She had this almost fearful look in her eyes as she looked back at me but her face was firm it was confusing. "Can I sit?" I point to the bed. She didn't say anything but she watched my every move. "Do you want me to call your mum? Or one of your brothers?" "No." "Okay."

I sat watched her and she watched me back. She's never been like this when she's been upset before. When Cassie passed she came to me, she wanted my comfort she clung to me and wouldn't let anyone else touch her. She's raised her hands to tell me not to touch but she's never pushed me away she's never shouted at me to get off of her. "Nelly?" She didn't say anything she just kept watching me. "Tell me what's making you so upset?" "Don't touch me." "Okay, I'm not. I'm just sitting here. But I need you to talk if you don't talk I can't fix it." "You can't fix this. You can't." She started chewing her lip and I couldn't do anything about it, even when it started to bleed. "Angel, stop that." She didn't. "Angel please." I moved closer to her edging closer slowly until I was in arms reach of her and I reached up and she flinched she actually flinched. "Baby, it's me." "Please," She begged. "Just stop biting your lip, that's all I want." She released it and looked down at her hands she touched her engagement ring. "It's me," I whispered touching her shoulder. She tried to fight back her tears her whole body tensing. She closed her eyes. "Nell." She shrugged her shoulder to get me to stop touching her.

"Let's just sit okay." She nodded, she cried for a while and I just had to sit and watch because I couldn't comfort her. "I'm sorry." She said suddenly pulling herself together. "Nell you're allowed to be upset about this." "A lot's happened today." "I'm fine." "Scar told me what happened." "Then if you've been told what happened we don't need to talk about it." "If you like the dress you should get the dress." "And look like a walking skeleton, I'm good." "You don't." "Look I don't want to talk about it. Not tonight, not ever. I'll pick my dress and I'll wear it and it'll be fine. There are bigger problems in the world than being called out for being too skinny." "Nell it's upset you, you're allowed to be upset." "It's stupid, let's drop it." "Nell." "Leave it!" "Nell. Please just" "For fuck sake! Elizabeth FUCK OFF." She has never raised her voice to me she has never spoken to me in that manner before and I was in a little bit of shock when she did.

I looked at her and frowned. I tried not to let my tears fall as the look of realisation washed over her face. "I'm so sorry." She said immediately. She was in shock at her own actions and it showed on her face she didn't know what to say or do her mouth kept opening and closing but nothing came out of it. She burst into tears. "I'm sorry." She sobbed covering her face. "I'm sorry." "Nell it's okay, you're upset." I shouldn't have pushed her. "It's not okay." She was getting frustrated with herself she rubbed her face harshly I went to touch her and she held her hands up. "Okay." I sat back. She bit her lip again. "Angel." She knew what I would say and stopped.

"What do you need?" I asked her. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." She says looking me in the eyes so I knew she meant it. "I know, I pushed you too much. I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have shouted at you." "It's forgiven." I just wanted to hold her. She picked up her phone and a few seconds later music was playing through our bedroom speakers. "Dance with me?" She asked and I smiled at her taking her hand and pulling her closer to me. "I'm here you just need to let me in," I whispered to her as we swayed to the song. "I'm being stupid." "You're not." "No one has ever said anything about my body before...I just." "Words hurt." She nodded laying her head on my shoulder. We danced to the music it made her feel better every time and it's become a sort of tradition when one of us is upset to put a song on and dance in each other's arms. "You're perfect," I whispered to her. "Whatever you choose to wear you'll look amazing in." "I want everything to be magical for you, I want it to be flawless." "It will be, you've taken so much of the stress on this time and it's not good for you. We're going to reassess and split it up evenly." "I got it." "Nell." "Fine." She pulled me closer to her. We danced to a few more songs until we heard Rose in the room over. Nell went and got her and I text Scarlett to let her know her child was safe and hadn't just disappeared whilst she's been socialising.

We both climbed into bed with the little princess, she laid on Nell's chest and I looked at them laid like that was taken back to the first day we had her, Scar was late from work because of the traffic and we ended up keeping her through the night letting Scar get some rest and Nell held her on her chest and had me tucked away in her side. That's when I first pictured her as a mum when she held Rose with such delicacy and care. I tucked myself into her side and Rose reached for my hand to hold, Nell's arm was around me keeping me close. She had tear tracks down her cheeks still and her eyes were yet to get her green flicks back but she was still here, she stayed and we are working through it.