Nihil difficile amanti.

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---- JAKE'S POV ----

What was I thinking earlier?

Did I really try to touch her while we were at the restaurant, with the risk of being caught at any moment?

Are you out of your mind, Jake?

Yeah, well, I told you before, she makes me completely lose my mind. Because of her, I can't behave rationally anymore.

When I'm with her it's just the two of us, everything else in the world disappears, we're the only beings in the universe. My reasonableness, lucidity and self-control disappear. It's as if I'm in a primordial state, where my ego doesn't exist and nothing can put a brake on my instincts. Totally at the mercy of impulse, dominated by desires and emotions.

Greedy for her, wanting to make her mine.

I was just complaining about the alcohol.

What did I say? Something like: "I hate the way it clouds your perception of the world around you..." But She's worse than alcohol, She's worse than hard liquor. Even in a small amount, She makes me completely inebriated.

But there is something I absolutely must do this evening, no matter what. Something that I can't put off any longer. If I did, I would only end up risking not completing it. And after that, it might be too late. If that were the case, I'd never get over the guilt that would follow.

Not even in a lifetime, not even if I were deprived of my memories.

And speaking of memories, I've to do this to start creating them. To be free to know every part of her. To finally be able to imprint in my mind the sensation of her skin against mine, her taste, her labored breathing, the sound of her accelerated heartbeat, her perfume, her trembling voice as she speaks my name...

Oh, God, just thinking about it takes my breath away.

The time has come to take off my mask.

The time has come to make myself known for who I really am, bringing to the surface all the past that I have been trying to suppress, drown, in a hidden part of myself.

She has to understand that by deciding to stay with me, She will irrevocably give up a normal life. That ultimately She has already done so but, after this last choice, there is no option to go back. It will be like an automatic saving of game progress, in a video game where there is no 'new game'. Because, should she choose to stay in my life, She would become a target. A target will appear on her back, where my persecutors will try to aim straight to the center, to hit her heart.

And I'm not just speaking figuratively.

The world I live in is ruthless, sadistic, cruel. A world that has no mercy even for women and children. A world ruled by vile money, operating without moral laws, to achieve a goal.

I watch her open the car door and, with uncertain steps, head for the front door. She must be so tense, watching her hands shake as she tries to put the key in the lock.
And so am I, not just because of desire, but because the time has come: the inevitable can no longer be delayed.

I get out and stare at her for endless seconds before she notices me standing still by the car. She turns her head, a confused and worried expression on her face.

"Come with me. We need to talk."

I watch her cheeks whiten, losing their usual blush that drives me so crazy. Her voice cracks, becoming uncertain and muffled. With great difficulty, She manages to pronounce an "Alright" that barely escapes her lips.

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