Precious [h.s.]

Chapter 44

"Now I can never talk to her again. That was too embarrassing." I take Evie to the kitchen, setting her down and putting food and water in her bowls. I spent too much money on things that she never uses. A way too big part of my wage went on cat toys that ended up somewhere behind the couch because she only plays with my throw pillows.

"Be good while I'm gone." I kiss her head as she starts eating her food. "Love you. Bye." I pet her one more time, standing up and grabbing my phone and keys.

I decided to go on foot, trying to turn this grocery shopping task into a walk, a poor attempt at making it more enjoyable. Even if I've been here for quite some time and I kind of know my way around, I still got lost a few times. Somehow, even now it feels like I'm just a tourist here. It's as if I'm sitting by the threshold, watching everyone go on with their lives while I'm just waiting to go back home.

I miss even the weather. I never thought I would wish for rain, umbrellas, or wearing a raincoat, but many things have changed. If I had the opportunity to go back home, back to familiar land, familiar faces, familiar habits, my brain would tell me to do it in an instant, but there are things holding me back.

Not only does my desired career, which makes me feel stupid whenever I think about it, stress me out, but also the connections, or more like the connection, I've built here. Since I've met Nadine, she's been such a constant element in my life that I can't imagine living without her. Many times before, the want to buy a plane ticket burned in my head until I was reminded of her when I looked around my house.

There's a piece of her wherever I look around this town and even around my own place of living. My mind finds a way to relate every street, every building, every corner of my room to her. My heart is tied to her and it feels like she hasn't left my head since the night we met. I remember how I was so jet-lagged from my flight earlier that day and I didn't really want to go out, but now I would fly across all seven continents and swim through every ocean there is to be with her at the end of the day.

This feeling of being so infatuated by someone is such a hard-to-understand concept that I am still trying to grasp. Why can't I go to sleep without hearing her voice? Why do I dream of her day and night? Why has she taken over my existence? Why does loving her feel like the one thing I need to do for the rest of my life?

A walk to the grocery shop can't help me find the answers to these questions that repeat themselves in my brain over and over again, but I prefer to ask myself about this relatively new concept that I'm experiencing which won't get an answer any time soon, rather than torturing my brain with the same, old issues that I can't seem to get over.

Being in love is weird. Being alone is weird. Silence is weird.

People everywhere are moving, talking, laughing - the world around me is nowhere near quiet, and still, it feels like I'm alone at night on a dead-end street. Never thought a stroll like this one could turn into such a depressing episode.

My headphones would have been my bestest friend if I had given thought to my now very constant feeling of repulse. Music helps, TV shows that I don't even watch do too, and even audiobooks that I have no interest in. I need something, anything, to make me convince myself that this silence is not the loudest sound I've come across. I need to make sure that I'm just alone, not lonely.

I reach the place where I usually do my grocery shopping, I check my pockets once again for my list and read over it while I grab a cart from next to the automatic doors. I walk down the aisles, buying every little, stupid thing that crosses my mind, thinking that I might need it. As time passes and I get closer and closer to what I've planned for Nadine, I feel myself getting even more nervous. I know she doesn't do anything for her birthday anymore, so I thought that she would like this - just the two of us, presents, dinner, and hopefully, the fun my neighbour was talking about.