campbell's guide to the universe

xvii. empty mugs

all over our apartment, scattered on various surfaces, are empty mugs. five sit on my bedside table, two on yours, one randomly in the bathroom, two on coasters atop the bookshelf, six on the coffee table.

sometimes i feel like an empty mug— loved once, but empty now.

i spend my weekend in bed, curled up beneath a layer of blankets. by the time monday rolls around and i have to be a productive member of society once more, i feel like i've done nothing but waste away— which, in all fairness, i did.

around lunchtime, atticus calls me.

"hi." i mumble, my eyes half closed to shield me from the harsh glare of the sun.

"hi!" i can practically hear him grinning brightly on the other end of the line. "how is it going?"

"i'm so tired." i reply, pulling my knees up to my chest. that one action sends me into a flash back; being thirteen and waiting in fear for dad to get home from work, being fifteen and being too scared to show my choppy hair cut.

"i know. just hang in there, love. you only have two more classes left and then i can come pick you up."

"looking forward to it. i am so angry you had no classes today, though. it's not fair!"

"sorry." you pause, and then speak again abruptly. "and remember that we have plans tonight!"

"what are we doing tonight?" i ask, shamefully. "my memory failed me."

"we're going out to dinner, idiot." it's the most endearing time somebody has ever called me idiot. in any other case, i'd probably get angry and boil over, but not with him. and not right now either— right now i'm still an empty mug.

"okay. it's a date."

"see you later. love you!"

some days i still get too scared to say that back. or maybe it's not fear but rather not always having the ability to express those feelings.

"see you later." i attempt to place a smile in my voice too. i think the attempt falls flat, though.

➸

the restaurant is quaint, lights made out of tin cans and classical music playing over the speakers. all the servers are dressed in identical uniforms, all with positive attitudes and grins that stretch on for miles.

"you look nice," i say when we've been seated at a table.

"thanks." you grin, and it's almost enough to make me smile too. "so do you."

after that we find ourselves settled into a comfortable silence, exchanging glances every so often but mostly sipping our drinks and flipping through the menus.

"so, how was the rest of your day?" you break the silence, staring intently at me like i'm the whole universe rolled up into one entity.

"i had a lecture, which was so boring. the teacher is so monotonous, which usually i don't mind but when you're trying to give a lecture? and i could barely retain enough information to take notes." i take a sip of my lemonade before sighing deeply. "how was your day?"

"good. i cleaned up all the empty mugs."

that draws a little laugh out of me, and atticus spends the rest of dinner making me smile again. in turn, i try to make him smile too.