campbell's guide to the universe

x. luke

i remember when mom and dad were still happy. i remember when there was no fighting, when our family was sunshine and smiles and picnics in the backyard.

as funny as it is to think about with the way mom and dad are now, we really seemed like one of those picturesque families from television shows who loved each other. for a while, i thought we really were.

and then, when campbell was born, that atmosphere shifted.

you could tell that they were struggling with having to raise two kids as opposed to just one, having to be up at all sorts of hours just to take care of the two of us. it's a challenge that they didn't seem to be entirely prepared for, nor were they able to easily adapt to.

when campbell turned seven and declared himself as a boy, the atmosphere of our family changed once more.

mom and dad didn't know how to handle the news, and campbell didn't know how to handle that reaction. it was a never-ending cycle of all this pain, and i got caught up in the middle.

when i found campbell crying in the backyard, i knew that the both of us faced an uphill climb.

i was twelve, and i already knew that mom and dad would take the life out of us.

we couldn't go back to that family full of love and smiles, because that wasn't us anymore. that family i once knew morphed into one of sadness, storm clouds and fights and bitterness.

being a part of this family certainly wasn't going to be easy.

as campbell grew up and i grew beside him, the cracks in the foundation deepened. mom and dad not only started treating campbell worse and worse, but they started fighting with each other too.

i wasn't surprised when mom and dad sat me down on the couch one morning, telling me they were getting a divorce. i think it was probably the best decision for everyone even though it contributed to the tearing of the fabric that our family had been reduced to.

when campbell was born, life became a lot more difficult. a lot of the ways my life turned out depended on him and how he changed my world.

but i wouldn't take any of it back, wouldn't reverse him to go back to the sunshine. because he's pretty great too.

➸

when i was thirteen, my friends started to talk about girls.

when i was fifteen, i cried every night. conflict between campbell and our parents got so bad that year.

it was nearly impossible to breath inside our house anymore, and i did anything i could to spend time away. i was exhausted, but i hid all my feeling inside and then cried them out.

when i was sixteen, i kissed a boy.

i think i had known for a while that i liked boys, but it all came to a point where i simply couldn't brush it aside anymore. i couldn't hide myself just to avoid my parents yelling at me.

after all, campbell dealt with that day in and day out. but i digress.

his name was noah, the boy. and we were at a school basketball game, except we were outside of the gym in order to get some fresh air. my breath met the air in puffs of white, cold dusting my nose and cheeks with a shade of red.

"hey, luke?" he asked, turning so he faced me.

"yeah?" i couldn't bring myself to face him in return, staring straight forward into an abyss that i knew could never be undone once we crossed it.

"can i kiss you?" i didn't notice we had moved as close as we found ourselves, his fingers brushing against mine.

finally, i glanced over. his eyes locked onto mine instantly.

"yeah," i replied. "yeah, you can."

i only had a few seconds to allow myself a smile before his lips met mine.

when i was nineteen, i went to college as far away from my parents as i could get.

the only downside to that was leaving campbell behind to deal with shit all on his own. he was fourteen at that point, and on the day that i left he cried and cried all locked up in his room.

i was his big brother; i was abandoning him.

but isn't it my responsibility to do what's best for myself, too? don't i deserve a minute away from doors slamming?

i drove across the country, to california, and didn't look back.

when i was twenty three, i got married. i lived my whole life too afraid to tell my parents i was bi, and when my wedding came around and i finally had to tell them, they didn't even care.

they met my husband for the first time on the day of the wedding, and they loved him.

i almost broke down crying when mom and dad walked away.

campbell was at the wedding, dressed in a suit that i'm sure he had to fight like hell to wear. but he was eighteen by then, and it wasn't up to mom and dad anymore what he did.

when i was twenty six, dad passed away.

i went to the funeral, and somehow found myself saying a few words for him.

and while those words elude me now, i remember the faraway look in campbell's eyes. i stared at him the whole time i talked, for reasons that also seem to elude me now.

i didn't know what to say about him, about dad.

i struggled to say nice things, but you aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead. you aren't supposed to talk about how they made life miserable for you so many times, how they stole the sun out of your sky, how they left emotional scars that you're pretty sure are irreversible.

"i miss you, dad." i said as the end of my speech. did i really?

when i turned thirty, i packed up my life with my husband into a few boxes and we moved it across the sea.

while my brother had his life, i had mine too. i faced different struggles, but i had struggles nonetheless.

and we both made it to the other side.

➸

+ 1019

i have had massive writers block lately so i struggled to make this chapter. and now it is the longest chapter i've written for this book so far.

holy shit. wild.

anyways tell me what you think please because i have mixed feelings about it

love you all <3