campbell's guide to the universe

ii. know me

dedicated to aspen ,, residentmess ,, for writing one of my favorite sentences from this chapter <3

➸

trigger warning // transphobia

➸

i think it's funny when people say they know you. they say it so certainly. but it always turns out to be a lie, doesn't it?

and no matter how hard you try to tell them, they refuse to shift their views. they think that who you are, and who you can only be, is the version of you that they perceive you to be.

i'm here, i think, i'm right here. in actuality i am hidden away below the surface, and they can't see.

"clara, i know you. we know you." mom gestures between herself and dad.

i almost start laughing right then and there.

mom's eyebrows wrinkle. "honey, why don't you go change into a dress?"

"no." i say.

that pulls all the attention in the room onto me, a feeling i hate. it burns through me, pulling me apart uncomfortably. but i push through and push forward.

"luke doesn't wear dresses. i shouldn't have to."

sharp laughter pierces the air, escaping from mom. i flinch but manage not to fully jump.

"honey, luke is a boy. and you are a girl." venom is dripping from those words, attempting to be hidden by a discreetly placed honey.

but even honeyed words can't mask the taste of venom. i see right through it in a second, tears stinging my eyes.

"no i'm not." i state plainly, swinging my legs.

dad and mom exchange glances, both wholly unsure of what to do in a situation such as this one.

it must be a hilarious sight; two adults towering over a child, however the kid is in full control of the situation. and the adults' faces are decorated with scowls and scrunched eyebrows.

in reality, it's not all that hilarious. but my brain can't help from wandering.

before mom can yell much more though, luke comes down the stairs.

his brown hair is a windswept mess, and he's missing a tooth, and he's as much my brother as i am his.

somehow he has become my pillar in this family; my support system.

his grin makes the edges of my lips upturn too, mischief being traded between us not in words but in brainwaves. it's a wordless conversation.

"why can't he wear a suit?" luke whines.

"he?" dad gasps like luke had smashed all his car windows; like the world had just ended.

"she will wear a dress," mom places a strong emphasis on the she, glaring at me so harshly that she must be burning holes into my soul. i squirm under the heat. "like all nice little girls do. understand?" her arms cross sternly.

luke mutters something under his breath, something that sounds angry.

but i just say "fine." there's no use in fighting.

however, when i am standing on my own two feet, i place my hands on my hips defiantly. "but i am not a girl!"

those words echo, launching from my mouth and hitting mom and dad the hardest. their jaws drop as they continue to stand there, perplexed looks on both of their faces.

i am still just a kid though, so the most dramatic thing i am able to do is stick out my tongue at them and laugh like a maniac as i tromp up the stairs two at a time.

luke trails behind me, talking as we go. "i'm proud of you," he states.

that was the first time i ever heard those words. it may even have been the only time. i don't think my parents felt proud of me often.

"thanks." i say, more out of habit then anything.

i was still just a kid.