campbell's guide to the universe

iii. birthday party blues

my birthday starts relatively the same as every other day that came before, and probably the same as every day that will come after. mom and dad wake me up at the crisp hour of seven in the morning, the sound of their yelling rushing upstairs and tugging me closer to tears.

i know i won't be able to fall back asleep. i never can. no matter how much i wouldn't wish to be, i was awake for the long run now.

so i went downstairs, taking them two at a time.

when mom and dad catch sight of me, rubbing my eyes sleepily, they both paint hesitant smiles on their faces. they want to be doing anything other than smiling right now though, something that i know for certain.

"good morning!" my mom exclaims, cheeriness all false.

next to her, dad stays entirely silent. i can still see his anger boiling over as heat waves radiate off of him.

"morning," i reply. by the sound of my voice, you could never tell that it was my birthday. birthdays are supposed to be joyous, and my voice sounds anything but. 

"happy birthday! are you excited for your party?" mom continues. that's when the conversation of the previous weeks all comes crashing back down on me, stomach dropping alarming quickly and leaving me feeling nauseous. there aren't any contents in my stomach to spill, though.

"yeah." i say, though enthusiasm is the last thing on my mind.

in fact, enthusiasm is so far away that it's not even a dot on my radar. isn't that sad?

i just didn't really want to have a party. i didn't have anyone to invite who i genuinely liked, i knew that my parents would force me to wear a dress, and i knew that someone else's name would decorate all the presents.

but mom didn't give me much of a choice. she started planning the party and that was that.

the next thing that happens during my birthday is also the same as the early events of most sundays. after an hour of sitting alone, staring at the bright colors of cartoons playing on the television screen before me, luke comes and joins me on the living room couch.

"happy birthday!" he says, giving me a bright grin.

part of me wished that i could spend the whole day like this; watching cartoons would be a decent birthday. however, the other part of me was screaming that it was stupid to hope, since the party was happening whether i liked it or not.

and i didn't like it.

➸

at half past one, the first knock sounds at our door.

i glance around at the balloons mom has hung up, the platter of snacks on the kitchen counter, the beginning of a pile designated to presents.

i swallow rather loudly, blinking back tears that have already begun to sting at my eyes.

"clara, can you get that, honey?" mom yells from the depths of the house. "i'll be down in a second!"

so i do the only thing i can; i open the door. 

everything goes downhill from there.

➸

i don't feel great about this chapter but we'll see.

also sorry if that cut off was abrupt but i could not manage to write about an entire party