Like Chalk And Cheese [Completed]

Dear Diary (II)

"I'm not having this stupid argument with you, Warda." Letting go of my hand and shaking his head, he stood up abruptly.

"No, you aren't." I didn't know why I wasn't backing down. Come to think of it, the argument really was ridiculous. "Because you're happy that you just had to give a stupid little sperm and your job was done right then while I—"

"Yes, I am happy. I'm happy that I am going to be a father soon as should you, but what I'm not happy about, Warda, is—"

"That it's with me?!" I cried out.

"F-hell no! I'm not happy that you tie me into senseless arguments when I'm already mentally exhausted. And I'm not happy because you're being insufferable with your continuous complaints instead of delighting in the fact that you're going to have a baby like other women do. I don't want to deal with that anymore. So if you don't have anything else to say other than you hate me and I did this to you because I already know that, you better not say anything at all."

I could only stare at him unblinkingly as he walked away from the bed and then out of the room.

I don't think I could ever forget that he called me insufferable and told me to shut up. But of course, as an empathetic woman and merciful woman, I am ready to forgive him.

---

We didn't talk last night and he didn't kiss me before going to work like he always does. But I know he's going to come round on his own. I don't need to apologize for nothing. He is the one who needs to make it up to me, not the other way around. Certainly not. And besides, I am a strong woman, I mustn't reduce myself to mere apologies for a man.

---

It's been a week. He's not stern, he talks, he asks if I need anything, he brings me stuff on his own, he takes care of me alright, but it's still not okay between us. He hasn't kissed me once since after that day. We sleep close together but he doesn't put his arm around me like he did before or spoon me. And he doesn't call me cherry anymore.
Does this mean I had to apologize and he's waiting for it to come from me? But what did I do? I didn't say anything wrong, did I? I mean, it is his fault and it really isn't the same for both of us, I mean I'm obviously suffering more  than him. And I'm alone.
Geez, why does everything make me cry? And God above, this is literally the tenth time I'm going to pee in just two hours. God forbid.

---

I built up the courage just now. He was silently working on his laptop after dinner, legs spread out in front of him while I sat idle on my side of the bed. I was looking at him but he wouldn't spare me a glance so I took in a breath and said, "I don't really hate you."

"Yes." He said and I don't know what that means. Yes that he knew I didn't hate him or yes that he wanted me to go on? And he didn't even bother to look my way when he uttered that blasted word.

I didn't say anything after that and now I'm writing it all down, wanting to cry and trying to fight the goddamn urge to pee while I feel my back aching.

---

I gave up in the morning because I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes, some circumstances make even strong women apologize to men. It's okay. It happens. This is what life is about, making small sacrifices along the way.

Wow, philosopher me.

Handing over his watch that he couldn't find anywhere and which was in the middle drawer of the dressing table where he'd placed it last night and forgot, I stopped him from turning around and leaving. "Hasan."

He hummed, strapping the watch on his wrist.

"Do you want me to apologize to you?"

His blank expression changed into a frown as he looked up at me. "For what?"