Tethered By Lust

Wine County

"I wondered..." He held his eyes with mine and took my hands in his rubbing them with his thumb.

"If you wanted to try for children?"

A golf ball lodged in my throat and my mouth went dry unable to say anything. I mean I'm 23 and he's 28. Children. Am I ready for children? I don't know. I tried to pretend to myself I actually got the decision. God. I reached for the water in front of me taking a sip before I answered his question. I was delaying.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." My face probably giving it away.

"Marcus. It's just a lot to think about. I'm not discounting it at all. It's just..."

"Its just what?" He returned.

"Huh?" He continued and let out an exasperated breath. Anger building up.

"Nothing. Excuse me. I'm going to the restroom." I wiped my hands against my dress trying to calm myself. Sweat cooling my back with my nerves.

Fuck. I'm not fertile and he will hate me once he finds out. The woman he loves and wants to have a family with simply can't. He will break up with me right on the spot. I found out a year ago and I've been putting off the topic ever since. When we got together, I told him I wanted kids when we were older and then a few years ago I took myself off the pill and couldn't get pregnant. I lied and told him I wasn't ready when in fact I've only dreamed of having his kids, but I just can't.

I took a moment to gather myself. Holding onto the kitchen sink breathing in and out. I applied more red lipstick to distract myself and pull out my game face and then I opened the door and strode out of the restroom like I was about to end a fucking war.

I sat down. "I'm sorry, Del. I didn't mean to argue. I just hoped you were more open to the idea."

"Marcus. Trust me I want to have your kids I do. I just want to wait a wee while." I lied.

"Okay." The conversation ended for now and to be continued another day.

Changing the topic. "I invited Val and her boyfriend Aiden to your event coming up."

"It will be such a good night. Trust me."

"Val suggested we go on a double date beforehand."

"Did she?" A smile aligned his face.

"And what do you think of that?" He inquired.

I laughed. "It will be good fun."

"Is that so?"

"What is the worst that can happen. We have a foursome. Or maybe we end up with each other's date?"

His body shook at my sarcasm.

I've been married to Marcus for 3 years and what I've learnt about him is that he is open to a lot of things. I cherish that about him. And even though he works all the hours under the sun he has a streak in him that itches to get out once and a while.

Even though he drinks in front of me. The alcohol isn't really tempting. It's when I drink it not when it's in view. He used to always ask if I minded, he drank in front of me, and I never cause just because I can't control myself doesn't mean he should suffer. Marcus doesn't drink lots. But he had taken it up more often than not recently.

**

We got a taxi home after our meal. I felt sick lying to him all night. But I couldn't be honest. I just couldn't. It would mean he would fall out of love with me. I just couldn't take that risk. I knew it was selfish of me to take up his life with my presence when it all existed on false hope and a lie. When he could be starting a new life with a woman able to birth her own children from her own DNA. I knew I could always go down the route of a surrogate or adopt children. But he would blame me. And right he should.

Marcus was my life. He consisted of every particle of my life. If I lost him, I would lose everything. I might not lose my job but what's a job when you have nothing to work for.

When me and Marcus first fell in love. Life seemed so simple. Having a partner in crime made everything better. But when you're married your life is integrated into theirs. You become friends with their family and friends. You enjoy the same restaurants and bars. You even find a fucking buddy to watch the series 'Friends' with.

Who would pick out what I've to wear? Marcus is the one who knows me best. Better than myself.

I love him so much.

I love how he holds me tight in bed and covers me in kisses when I'm wide-awake worrying about what the next day entails.

I love how we both have life ambitions. Holding each other's hands through the waves until we reach an island.

I love how I see myself in him.

When I was an alcoholic. He saw me. He saw I needed help. And he saved me.

He picked me up time and time again when I was dirt and I saw him as a distant dream. That distant dream became my life.

When I didn't want to live. He gave me a reason.

I was so far gone it was impossible to get me sober. My own family gave up on me because I was shit. He knew how to get me to fight, and I did. And now here I am on top of the world with him. We are a fucking force against the world.

My family got bored with me. They picked me up and then I caved. I fell. They had already paid their debts. They owed me nothing. Now we didn't speak, and they probably thought I was dead in a ditch somewhere. I will be soon, so I'll keep them in the loop. I owned them nothing.

I don't know what Marcus saw in me. But everything became possible with him. If you wanted to be an astronaut, then you will fucking be an astronaut.

But life gets tricky. Like all things do. When you hit a certain age in life everything becomes a task. I don't know when my childhood came to an end but since that day forth, I saw the world pitch black.

In preschool we learn the basics. We begin to count with our fingers. Then we go to Elementary school. We learn literacy. We learn mathematics. Then we move on to Highschool. We advance in what we've been taught. But we also learn the necessities that stand us in good stead in life. We learn the expected norms and values.

Then we have to make detrimental decisions that shift the path of our life. Decisions based on our interests. Or decisions based on whats available.

But childhood ended a lot earlier for me. Maybe that's why alcohol was my safe haven or so I thought. Maybe that's why I didn't get to make the decisions most children did. But, in truth, we all grow up sooner or later. I just grew up too faster and I wanted to slowdown time. Reverse it. Cherish the moments that I enjoyed and relish in them.

The sooner you stop labelling yourself at a disadvantage. The quicker you pick yourself up and prove everyone else wrong. Why dwell in the past or worry about the future when you can live in the present. Take each day as it comes and sleep like a baby cause fuck you've made it.

I might be nothing. I might not be respected. But at least I can say I tried.

If you play your cards right, you might just become the person you dreamt of as a child. That person you yearned to become.

When I was 11, I learned a valuable lesson. Expect disappointment because it might just be a breath away. Expect the unexpected.

Love Harlow Xoxo

Thank you for reading!!!