Unheard Voice and Unexpressed Feelings [2020-2021]

Heart still hurts

05Sept2021
Today we found out that our other friend who got sick tested negative for Covid. Now we might have not caught the virus. This friend got sick days after we visited him. We weren't sick that time. We found out he got sick when we saw his father 2 days ago. We felt so bad we caused it.

Tonight, (Sept. 6th in the morning in the Philippines) I video called my family and they went to the cemetery to visit my grandpa. My sister has been dreaming about my grandpa since after the funeral while I've been wishing to dream about him but failed to be granted. I think about my grandpa every single day since he died. He never leaves my mind. I kind of envious of my sister. I asked my sister about the dreams. She said my grandpa would wave at her to go to him and when she came to him he would vanish quickly. The dreams were like that for quite some time. The other dream was him walking but without legs. It's quite scary but my husband interpreted it like my grandpa isn't hurting anymore. Arthritis doesn't bother him anymore. My sister also noticed that my grandpa's facial expression is like an evil one a few times. I told her that it wasn't him. We know that grandpa was a smiling person, always quick to laugh but in her dream. However, sometimes he looked so happy and laughing. It seemed like he was happy wherever he is now.

I told my sister that she should visit grandpa in his grave. She admitted that she didn't think much of grandpa anymore since the funeral cos she got busy with work. That's why grandpa visited her in her dreams. Grandpa must have thought that my sister forgot about him already. My mother and I didn't dream about grandpa yet.

My mother heard some noises outside their house, though. My grandpa used to cut woods outside for grandma. They are still using woods to cook. They don't like using a rice cooker and electric stove. My grandpa liked to walk around and do something even if his knees hurt. My mother felt like grandpa is still there for a few days now. My mother is living with grandma since the funeral. My grandma didn't take his death well. She mentioned she might hold her breath and just die cos she would be alone. She doesn't want to be alone. So, I told my mother to live with her from now on. However, my grandma's attitude got worse. She got so sensitive as well. It's quite difficult to live with her as my mother said.

When they arrived at my grandpa's grave, I couldn't stop my tears from falling. I still can't believe and accept that he's already gone. It still hurts me. I can't move on, yet! I still weep at night remembering him. I have no clue when the pain subsides. I don't think I can move on. My heart still hurts! I want my grandpa to come back to us. 😭😭😭

Yuchae Moon