✓ HIS ENIGMA| JAY

epi-The real reason

Dying is a messy and often painful process, living as we do in world that is yet to embrace euthanasia

He lied to me.

A lifetime, that's what he promised but as I sit here in the backyard of this cabin, staring at theclear sky above my head, I know that it was a lie.

If there is one thing in our life that's guaranteed, it's the endings. However abrupt, sad, heart breaking, meaningless or ironic it might be, endings are always going to be there.

A promise of a lifetime on the other hand, is nothing but false hope.

My miserable thoughts are interrupted when I hear a car stopping in the driveway. I peek from the side of the house before going inside and opening the door. Just as one car comes to a halt, another one follows behind it.

I lean against the doorway as I look at everyone making their way towards the house. Jungwon and Nikki were the first ones to enter, both offering me a nod which I return. We don't exchange words, but I know sometimes that isn't necessary.

Heeseung and Jake follows shortly behind them, Jake had became one of the closet friends to the guys, they both paused to give me a hug as Nikki studies my face. "Okay?"

I scoff at his question, shaking my head which earns me a scowl in return but he doesn't say anything as he goes inside.

When the cancer took Jay, he was skin and bones, pale as a ghost, face masking the ordeal inside. Most days he aske me to read him a story, something pretty to help his mind escape. But there were times he screamed in pain and there was no doubting the agony. He would call Dr. Han and the morphine would be increased, sliding him into a long dream, his body so still that everyone wondered if he had passed on.

That's how he died.

In the end it isn't dying that scares him but pain. If he doesn't wake up in the morning he will know nothing of it. His affairs are in order.

I grieved for the loss of life I would should have had with them months ago, I cried until my eyes ran dry and my chest heaved.

I have stopped asking "Why me?" I have stopped raging at God. He works as fast as he can thought the scientists and doctors, I know. It just wasn't fast enough for me. So now just let me kiss the beloved people who have graces my life and go to Him.

And still I am still living this life.

The ending of life is expected, we all live in this mortal plane.

What I resent is that death being longer and more painful than it needs to be.

I still remember his promises that he wrote for me, just to read it after his death.

My body will self destruct, day by day. The tumour will grow, spread, consume, squash the very organs that work to sustain it. I've had a pretty good life, better than most, I don't need to hang on as a living ghoul; an "exit" pill would be kinder than all the attention from the hospice staff that lies ahead.

I will live with you every day our creator bestows to me, yet when my time comes, when dying is set before me, when my breathing becomes a sporadic rasp, look beyond the physical and see that I am in the arms of angels.

I trusted him like a fool I was that time, but it hurts.

Fools.

Fools make romance of death, for it is brutal and cruel. That I say be at peace with his passing is not such a thing. But once it is done, I will be safe and sound once more. I will live as long as I can, be with you as many days as we are sent, then keep me in your good memories. I will see you again.

People come and go.

Life is a series of a welcomes and farewalls. Some are unexpected departures. Only God knows who should stay in your life and who shouldn't. There's always a genuine reason behind these arrivals and departures. It's a reason we won't know at the time, but eventually we will undertand. And when that person's part is finished, you must say a goodbye.

It's time for their departure.

But this departure will sure make you realize something.

And that something was the reason for me to live.

And that was me.

I was my only reason to live.

And remembering our first encounter, it's all started with a toilet paper- and ended with me.

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