Your Babies | Sano Shinichiro

XLIX

Hugging your knees closer to you, you carefully take out a picture of Shinichiro from your wallet, your eyes grazing over his smiling face as he pulls you closer in the picture.

Even after all these years, you can still remember what happened. Can still remember just how flustered both of you were when the picture was finished, his hands getting sweaty but he was still hesitant to let you go.

The two of you looked so young before. Barely graduating high school, barely knowing what to do with your life.

And now...

You're stuck living your life alone, hoping to every deity and god out there that they'd be merciful enough to you. That they'd give you a chance to finally be happy and bring all the siblings together even though the love of your life won't be there to see his family be complete again.

It's the only thing that you can wish for now.

You can't think of anything else that you want in life. All your dreams, you've set aside all for the sake of the kids' happiness and well being. All you wanted was for them to be safe and have a future to look forward to.

But now, you don't know if you can continue living your life like this anymore. You don't think you can continue living anymore.

Not when fear is the very first thing that you feel when you awake in the morning.

You just want to be able to wake up and look forward to all your seconds being spent with the love of your life, starting a family with him, with your families happily watching over you and your future unfold.

Raising your hand to your neck, you grasp the cold metal, fingers playing with the ring that you've barely worn for a year before opting to put it on Shinichiro's necklace just because the 'what ifs' that would always plague your mind was too much.

What if Shinichiro didn't die?

Will you two be happy and together now?

Will you have kids?

A happy family?

Will Izana be helping Shinichiro with the shop?

Will the siblings finally be able to look each other in the eye without any hatred simmering underneath?

Wiping your tears away, you continue to stare at the picture, unaware of how long you've been sitting with Shinichiro, nor do you notice the figure getting closer to you. Leaning against the headstone, you start talking to yourself, hoping that letting it all out will finally lessen the burden that you're feeling. That it will finally give you room to breathe and think for yourself on how you'll get through all of this.

"Shinichiro... do you think you can help me? Just, help me like you always did before... it's been so hard being all alone, not having you to love me, hold me, support me... I don't know how I managed to do it before I met you but now... I don't want to do it by myself anymore..." Licking your lips, you fiddle with the flowers that the kids must have left earlier, breath shuddering with every exhale, your fingers shaking as more tears continue to flow. "I was really looking forward to our future, Shin... You made me get my hopes up thinking we'll actually get married... thinking that we'll be able to fulfill all our dreams together... I never thought that I'd be left all alone, Shin. I never imagined a future without you, I never wanted a future without you..."

Closing your eyes, you bite your lips, preventing any more sobs from escaping you even though the tears are still flowing freely down your cheeks.

The tears are hot as they trail streaks down your skin, but alas, it doesn't lessen the weight on your shoulders. It doesn't do anything to relieve the pain in your heart that continues to pierce through your soul. It almost feels like you're about to drown from all your tears, unable to ask for help as you just lay there and hope for the best.