If You Leave Me Now // Marauders

Chapter Twenty-Two

October 30th, 1976- Outside Courtyard. 

Sirius had passed the library on his way out for a cigarette, seeing the marauders gathered around and hatching some sort of plan. He couldn't blame them for not including him, not after everything. Sirius had sunk into himself, talking less and smoking more. 

He sat on the cement bench that was hidden just out of sight and pulled one from the pack. Lighting it quickly, he let the smoke fill his lungs, letting it out in the form of a sigh. The smoke, falling from his mouth and nose, hung heavy in the air around him.

His eyes were closed and head was resting against the building as he felt someone sit next to him. He didn't bother to open his eyes until he felt a hand pinch the cigarette from his hand.

"Hey!"

His eyes found Evangeline's face as she raised the cigarette to her own lips, "These are bad for you, you know."

She inhaled, closing her eyes, and Sirius couldn't help but to let his mouth fall slightly open. It was an intoxicating thing to see Evangeline smoking his cigarette, and even Sirius couldn't think of anything to say as she passed it back to him. Instead, he took another long drag. 

"Alright, Sirius?"

He didn't have a truthful answer for her this time, so he chose to not answer. They both sat in silence as Sirius finished smoking, with him stepping on the butt and putting it out when he was finished.

Evangeline sighed, "Maybe it wasn't the right time for this." 

She moved to leave, but Sirius stuck an arm out, grabbing her wrist.

"No," he swallowed audibly, "No I don't think anything is alright, Evie."

Evangeline sat back down, and Sirius withdrew his hand from her.

"You're right, Sirius. Nothing is alright. Everything is fucked. But that doesn't mean it has to be that way forever, not if you don't want it to be," she paused, before working up the nerve to finish, "I heard what you said in the hospital wing."

"Evie, I'm sorry. My head is so messed up these days, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Arrêtez d'ignorer vos sentiments. Laisse-toi sentir, Sirius."
(Stop ignoring your feelings. Let yourself feel, Sirius.").

"I can't!" his voice cracked, "It'll break me."

"Only if you allow it to."

Sirius didn't have a response to that, and they both continued to let the silence hang in the air.

"I'm protecting Regulus."

She didn't really know why she felt compelled to tell him, but she did. 

"What?" he asked, confused.

"They'll come for him next; we both know it. They can't have him either."

"Its different this time, Evie," Sirius begged, "You must see that he wants this. He's just like them."

"He's not. He's hurt. Just like you. I didn't give up on you, now did I?"

"I'm not like him."

"Aren't you?" 

Silence again.

"I know you didn't mean what you said," Evangeline began, "But taking your pain out on others will do nothing but hurt everyone. Yourself included."

Sirius got that, he did. He understood. But what he didn't understand is where to put the pain. What to do with the blinding hot anger that pulsed in his veins at any waking moment in the past five months. It was like he was walking around and talking and being, but it wasn't actually him. As if he had imperio'd himself through life and wasn't really there.