Break My Heart

Bonus: Heath's letter

Holly,

I don't know what to say. I'm so fucking overwhelmed right now that I'm not even sure if I'll ever let you read this or not.

I think an apology would be a great start.

I know, no amount of apologies would make up for what I did but I'll still say this: I'm sorry. The amount of hate I have for myself would be nothing compared to the amount of love I have for you. And I'm not trying to manipulate you, I think I'm done with playing games now. I know you won't ever be able to forgive me and you probably won't be able to move on but I think you're gonna make it. 

I made your life hell, I'm sorry.

I don't blame you if you don't believe me or tear this letter before even reading its contents, it's what I deserve. But if you're reading this, I promise you on everything that has value in my life that more than half of the memories we made weren't lies.

At times, I tried tricking myself into thinking that all the blushes on my cheeks and the butterflies that irrupted in me weren't because of you but because all of that was human reaction. I know, it sounds so stupid but I think you probably know that piece of information about me till now. Even darkest parts of me knew what it was but I still pretended to be dumb.

But currently you're the dumb one. Are you fucking insane?! I thought that was my job! And the cherry on top was your stupid good-bye letter. I know you don't want to see me but at least have the balls to say that to my fucking face, you coward! I hate you so much for this.

Do you have any idea how much of an impact it left on your parents? On me? I bet you thought no one loves you and that's getting on my fucking nerves! I get it you don't trust what I say but at least have trust on your parents. Do you know how much it hurt seeing your parents crying and trembling because of me? How much it hurt seeing your body lying limp on the floor? Seeing your pale beautiful features? As if seeing you hurt wasn't enough already?

I think I would forever drown in guilt. 

I'm still crying while I'm writing this and I don't think I will be able to forget what I did to you. And what you did to yourself because of me.

I'm sorry.

You're the most amazing person I've ever met and I don't have any words left to say to you. I'm glad that you even fucking let me explain at that stupid party instead of running away as soon as you heard 'Revenge'. (God, I hate that fucking word) You're literally one of the most healthiest person to be alive (mentally as well as physically) but I don't think you'll remain that person any more.

Once again, because of me.

Maybe my body should've been the one lying limp on the floor instead of yours. But don't worry, I won't do what you did. After all, I still have to suffer.

And now, I just want to say I won't ever bother you again. I'll go away at the first instance once you wake up and I promise you won't have to deal with me any longer. Yeah, I'll keep hating myself but I'll also keep loving you even though you won't be there with me and that's okay. You deserve far better.

I love you, please don't ever forget this even if you forget me. 

-Heath

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