Maybe we don't notice it immediately but every interaction, every smile, every sign of affection or rejection is stored somewhere inside us like a puzzle. And it fills up each time. And then someday it overflows and leaves us filled with someone else's stories, someone elses lives. And they all colour our reality in milion different shades. In the end it becomes hard to find our own colours among everybody elses. And from all that we get sick. Because everyone's energy is tangled with ours, constantly overflowing from one to another, never giving us a moment to breath.
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Indifirent towards life
Empty shell of what i used to be
Dark clouds looming over my head
Rain falling on me
As the clock chimes 11am
Mess in my room goes well with the one in my head
Emptiness in my chest swallowing me from the inside out
I get up and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror
Only to realize the person looking back isn't me
A stranger
But still they kinda sound like me
Their eyes move with mine
Their lips smile with mine
So they must be me right
But then again as i look at myself
At that creature staring back
I don't see myself
I don't see a person.
Only shadow.
I see empty eyes with huge dark circles underneath
I see pale skin, almost see trough
I look at my hands only to realize they don't feel like mine
I see my chest, my hips, my belly
I see my whole figure
Childlike
Femme
Barbie like
I see all that and i sigh
This isn't me
This creature looking back will never be me
I am trapped in this shell of a person
Pretending to be me
And i don't see a way out of this misery.
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I feel as if it's always raining in my mind
Dark clouds wrapping away sun rays to the cold misty eternity
Trapped in a black hole of existence
No way out
Every morning i wake up
Say hello to the stranger in the mirror
And sigh
Every day i am loosing touch with the original
The thin line that ties us together
Shredded on to the last thread
And i feel someone pulling me further away from them
As i scream to the void
Let me in.
*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *.
Somedays it feels as if i am wrapped in strings of gray and no matter what i do, colours stay out of my reach, laughing at me and my gray clouds of existance.
*. *. *. *. *. *. *. *. *.
Do this do that
Every single day a new task comes up
Every single moment something new arrises
To be done immediately
And no one sees the tears in corner of your eyes
And no one feels your heart racing
No one sees you spiraling down into the oblivion
Darkness
Not even a sparkle of light
Not even a trace of hope
Emptiness
A vast filed of your broken dreams, missed deadliness, violated promises and broken trust.
And then the voices come
At first they are silent
You try to ignore them
Then they become louder
And louder
Untill they turn into deffening noise
Of your own self hatred
Of your own failure
That familiar heart ache stings you like milion needles at once
*. *. *. *. *. *. *.
YOU ARE READING
Story of us
Non-FictionJust a person trying to survive the modern world. An LGBTQ+ story based on real life events and emotions. Mentions of dysphoria, transphobia, homophobia, dissociation, fragmentation and extreme emotions.
