Before and After You

Chapter 3: The Little Prince

Asawa mo pa rin siya, Sam, the logical voice in her head goes. And for all legal intents and purposes, the voice is right. They may be living separately, have mostly stopped being husband and wife, and their interaction limited to co-parenting, in the eyes of the law, they are still married— something which annoys Mara to no end. She insists that Sam and Eric should iron out their lives and file for divorce since they have separated but neither has done anything. Mara has tried countless times to persuade Sam to make the first move but something always holds Sam back.

Nobody enters a marriage to willingly be miserable, Mara would always tell Sam. Nobody expects to be separated but both of you are drawing out the process unnecessarily. Pull the plug, file for divorce, and be done with it!

Sam always ends up diverting the conversation.

Is she in denial? Perhaps.

But she also knows that the little organ as big as her fist residing in the centre of her chest still skips a beat upon hearing Eric's name and two years apart has not done anything to tamp it down. She loves him. She knows she does and it is not merely nostalgic bliss holding her back. She loves him and divorcing him would slap her with the reality that they both gave up on a love that is supposed to last.

What if you tell him that you still love him? That's a question that she keeps on asking herself. But tonight, she laughs bitterly at herself. Talking with him used to be so easy that it almost felt like second nature. She would always tell him good morning, they would always talk quietly while preparing breakfast, they would share breathless whispers, he would tell her, I love you. Now, she couldn't even bring herself to pick up the phone to ask him if he could watch over the kids two days earlier than their schedule because she has to fly to Cebu.

If they are still together and everything is fine, she wouldn't have this problem. He'd come home from work with take-outs and the kids would come running to meet him while screaming daddy! She would playfully raise an eyebrow at his choice of food but Eric would hold her lovingly and pepper her face with kisses.

He would then whisper, "Ga, minsan lang naman." She would shake her head and not bat an eye over the fact that it is the second time that week that he brought home takeout. They'd all gather by the dinner table, the colouring books forgotten by the den, and he would make sure that the drumstick (her favourite part) makes its way on her plate.

It is routine. Or at least, it used to be because everything is not fine, she couldn't talk to him without feeling like a dam inside her would fall apart, and the pain never ebbs or dulls, it grows more paralysing for every day that passes. And yet, she doesn't dare to tell him that she loves him and she misses him so much and that all she wants is for him to hold her, even just for one night.

Will one night of pretending really be enough? She fears the answer because if it turns out that it isn't and she is almost certain that if it isn't indeed, she would find herself tipping over the precarious balance that she has convinced herself is what allows her to survive.

She didn't realise that she had been crying until her phone rang and she was brought back to reality. Her breath hitches as she sees his name on her screen. She takes a few seconds to compose herself and clear her throat so he wouldn't notice that she'd been crying. She doesn't want to seem pathetic. She is a strong person and she will not cave. Not tonight. She couldn't afford it tonight.

"Hello?" she says through the phone with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. Give it to the universe to provide an answer to her problem.

She couldn't bring herself to call him? No problem. He'll call her then. There is an absurd joke somewhere out there and it would have been funny if she weren't the subject of it but alas!