Heterochromic Haze

29- Settled silence

The end of the year approaches very quickly, and if Grey hadn't've insisted on draping multicoloured fairy lights over every available inch of my flat, I honestly wouldn't have noticed. I stare at the over-stuffed wall plug, marvelling at how quickly my living space has turned into a genuine fire hazard.

"Are you sure you don't want to come home with me? You're more than welcome. Mum told me to be very clear about that." Grey says, fluffing the pillows on my sofa.

A ghost of a smile lifts my lips as I think about Rose. Then my heart aches, and I push the thought away violently.

"I'm sure, Grey." I say firmly.

He presses his lips together, clearly in disapproval, but nods anyway.

It's Christmas Eve and I know Grey's already post-poned his going home for Christmas several times. He says it's been to do with rehearsals and school work, but I know better. It's me. He doesn't want to leave me here.

His unwavering loyalty to me, regardless of how much I have tried to push him away, makes me feel uncomfortably guilty.

"You should go, you're going to miss the last train otherwise." I say and he sighs.

"Yeah, you're right." He mumbles, glancing at his bag.

I pause for a moment, chewing at my lip. Oh to hell with it.

I stoop over my desk, rummaging through its contents before I finally find what I'm looking for. I pick up the poorly wrapped present and the card and give them to Grey.

"This is for you, and this is for Rose." I say, gesturing first to the gift, and then to the card.

I place them in his hands quickly, avoiding his mortified expression.

"You said no gifts!" Grey cries and I smile.

"I know what I said." I say, stuffing my hands in my pockets.

It's not like it's much. I had gotten my first proper pay check from my recent commission, and it had been a pleasant surprise, so I thought I'd treat Grey. His headphones were falling apart, and he'd been eyeing up a new pair for a while, so I decided it was high time he got some new ones. I had also knitted him a scarf with my new found skill. Grey, just like his name.

He takes the parcel and the card with a miserable expression, shoving them in his bag before throwing his arms around me.

I hug him back tightly, reluctant to admit just how much I was going to miss him over the next week. For all his faults, which aren't really faults at all, I genuinely love the guy.

"I'll see you soon. Promise you'll take care of yourself?" He asks and I nod.

"Promise."

And with that he's gone.

I stare at my flat for a while, wondering exactly what to do. The gallery is closed for the next week, and I find myself a little alarmed at the idea of so much free time stretched out in front of me.

I stay awake for a long time, just staring out the window at people passing by, and when it finally chimes midnight, I sigh.

I wake up to a sore neck and a lot of regret, wishing I had gone to bed instead of tempting fate. I stand up from the sofa, cracking my back as I head into my kitchenette. I eat cereal out of the box with a grimace, wishing I had had the forethought to go to the supermarket yesterday.

The silence of the flat eats me up and I quietly wonder what the Hayes family are up to now. Luka has probably already started opening presents with the twins, with Grey trying to tame them, Amyas is probably still asleep...and Everett...

I frown, my appetite lost.

I wish more than anything to be with them. To feel the warmth of family, to hear the comforting soundtrack of excited laughter and constant bickering, to feel so connected at this special time of year.

But they're not my family. Not anymore.

I think of my own family. My parents are muddy, hazy memories, many of them nightmarish, and I find that I don't miss them. My grandparents, the ones who took me in and raised me right, I do miss, and my heart aches all over again.

I get dressed quickly, layering up before bracing the cold, December chill. I hadn't known what I wanted to do today, but now I do.

I buy a day ticket to my home town and wait for the train, boarding it silently.

The city passes me in a blur and before I know it, my feet are guiding me on a path that I've so often travelled, but haven't walked in months. I step through the gates and feel my way through the graves until I come upon my grandparents gravestones.

They were the only family I ever really knew. My mother died when I was young and my father was nothing short of a villain. He'd never understood me, resented my presence in his life since day one, and when I fell short of his expectations...

But when I was fourteen, the most wonderful thing happened.

He died.

Life with my grandparents had been so different, and a part of me aches that I have spent all the years I'll ever get with them. Shortchanged with time, but not with memories. They had loved and nurtured me in a way I hadn't known possible, and I know that I owe everything that I am to them. They had left everything they had to me when they'd died. Not that it was much, but it was enough to get me into uni and guarantee a roof over my head. I'd give it all back for a few more years, but life doesn't really work like that.

I smile sadly, knowing that I've done what's right. Christmas is a day you spend with family, and this is what's left of mine. I feel a little less alone in the world with them and that's all I need right now.

I sit with them for hours. At first I tell them about my life, the gallery, Everett. When there's nothing left to say I just think of them instead. It's only when the sky darkens that I begin to feel the cold in my bones, and I bid them goodbye before making my way home.