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TW! trauma, death/dying, suicidal thoughts.
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CHAPTER FOUR: CRYING, FIGHTING, LOSING.
6TH MARCH 2022 - 11:45 AM
I was fine to die.
I know that drowning was a cowardly way to go. I know that. But I don't care.
Usually, when someone drowns, it's loud and splashy; someone yells and waves their arms, continuously dipping their head below the waves and coming back up in a dramatic fashion while those on shore would scramble to find a way to rescue them. But that only happens in the movies. That particular scenario never really happens in real life.
At least it was that way for me.
Drowning is quiet; my movements were subtle, I didn't make any noise at all. Panic, fear and more panic claws at my throat. My hair floats upward; the sunlight gets further and further away. Darkness enfolds me whole. I thought I was about to become dead. So, I close my eyes and let myself float like seaweed, nothing more than flesh and bones, ready to decay in the currents.
Memories unhinge themselves from my mind.
I was standing alone in the doorway of Aaliyah's house. The house was eerily quiet and empty. None of the lights was on. And the door was unlocked. I called out Aaliyah's name once, twice, thrice - no response. Fear gripped my heart. I remember calling my best friend - Soobin Choi - and telling him to come over with the rest of the guys to Aaliyah's house. I didn't know what to expect after I called him.
As I was searching around the house, I kept calling Aaliyah's name - noticing her house keys and discarded shoes were placed where they should be. I went up the stairs, my nerves bouncing off me. When I got to the top floor, I flinched at how soggy the carpeted floor was.
But that was when I realised this whole thing didn't feel right. I went straight to the bathroom door, straight ahead from where I was, and tried to open the door. It wouldn't budge. I remember trying to break it open. More water was flooding underneath, and I felt like my world was slowly crumbling away.
When I finally opened the door, the first thing I saw was how the bathtub tap was still running, overflowing the bath. There were drenched black hair floating above the surface, hands still at the side of the tub. I rush towards the tub, turning the tap off, and getting Aaliyah above water. Her body was cold, her eyes shut, she didn't respond to my shouts or screams.
Holding Aaliyah in my arms, water sloshing over me, I reached for my phone in my jeans pocket. My fingers shake as I unlock it and begin to call 119. I remember telling them that my friend tried to drown herself. They told me they were on their way. Tears were running down my cheeks, and I tried to check her breathing. I started to freak out when I realised she wasn't, thinking the worst that I came too late.
Then I heard heavy footsteps rushing upstairs. When I turned around, my eyes bloodshot, I saw Soobin and the guys looking at me; scared shitless.
Everyone just started panicking and screaming orders at one another.
Beomgyu Choi was running around looking for dry towels to keep Aaliyah warm. Terrified, I got Aaliyah out of the bathtub and gently laid her on the floor. Beomgyu got a spare folded towel and passed it to me to put under her head.
Taehyun Kang performed CPR on Aaliyah. He used both hands to compress down on her chest; after counting to 30 seconds, he did mouth to mouth, pinching her nose shut. When he got no response, he continued with the chest compressions. I was crying and shouting for him to do it faster.
Soobin Choi was trying to reach her parents. But to no avail, they never picked up. And Huening Kai came rushing upstairs, out of breath, telling us that the ambulance had arrived.
I know how this memory ended; Aaliyah survived, her parents were nowhere in sight, and neither was I. But I couldn't see it till the end; the memory changed into something else.
I was alone once again. I was sitting at the bay window of my room. I think it was a week after Aaliyah's near-death experience. I was grounded, the reason unknown. All I remember of that day was my parents were fuming when they found out I was in the hospital. Barging into the hospital, they took me away before I got the chance to hear a word of Aaliyah's condition from the doctor. They forbid me from seeing her again.
Half an hour later, after I left them all, Soobin messaged me that Aaliyah was in the greenlight. But I never replied back to him at that time because my phone got taken away from me.
I hated my parents more than before from that moment onwards - they were only good for bickering and never gave a damn about me. Every day from my window, I would watch the guys come to my backyard, signalling for me to come down to them. Even with the constant warnings my dad gave to them, they never stopped coming to see me.
One day, the guys never came. I was alone with my guitar, mindlessly strumming the strings. I remember only blocking out all the sounds that I could hear; the faint sound of my heartbeat, the chords I played, the stupid birds chirping outside.
I had started to feel exasperated and annoyed by this situation. I shouldn't have to be grounded for looking out for my friend. I screamed and shouted in the silence, trying to open my door. It was locked. My parents didn't care for what they did to me. I was so frustrated that I started thrashing my room, taking my most prized possession - my guitar - and smashing it to the ground. Splinters flying in the air, the guitar strings snapping, my pain unwavering.
My hands find their way to my hair, gripping it tightly. Hundreds and thousands of thoughts ran away from me. I didn't want it to end like this.
I don't want to die.
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DEPRESSION. (noun) • deep sadness sets in when we realise the loss has already happened and our life has forever changed. • this is a natural response for most people experiencing loss - this is not a sign of mental illness.
