pink nights / sally face

prologue

moving wasn't easy. it felt like all my worst fears had finally materialized. which, in itself, was perhaps the biggest fear of them all.

of course being accepted to college *was* celebratory, but there were just one too many strings attached. it felt like my whole life had been perpetually covered in this depression-colored ball of yarn. every milestone wearing a suffocating sweater of uncertainty and fear. i mean, did i want to leave my family? no. but did i want to leave my family? yes.

throughout my senior year of high school, this question's answer remained fickle. i was worried i would never feel ready. i was worried i couldn't handle the accusations of using college as a scapegoat to up and leave.

the first year of college was fine. community college was actually really nice. but i was still struggling as if i was still in high school. i worried that i would be stuck in this headspace forever. i started to wonder if i needed to leave.

thinking about transferring made me feel like i was a senior in high school, contemplating college all over again and i was worried i was making a mistake. but i was losing time and time just doesn't stop because you wish it would.

the summer approached and the days got longer. i slept less, fell into myself more, and eventually, the answer became clearer. i loved my family, but if i ever stood a chance at making up for lost time, i needed more than just summer days to finally feel like myself for good.

and so i bought a sweatshirt from the university's website and a plane ticket to match.

i love my family. i do. but i might die here.