Northern lights

83. Sliver of hope in a tired heart

Jaime Lannister

Too long had Jaime been wreaking havoc in this life, leaving ruins behind him. Even those he had loved were plagued by his existence. Whereas he was searching for a light, he chose not to acknowledge the fact he had been the darkness obscuring it. 

He had gripped tightly onto the comfort Rosalie gave in abundance, leeched every ounce of tenderness and trust until she was spent. And he loves her still, oh he loves her more than the air he breathes. There is no doubt in his mind that Jaime would suffocate in these waters and he would not protest if he could only see her again. 

If only she could hear his plea now, he'd exchange his life for one more moment. He'd give into the black sea and embrace the burning in his lungs. He's not fighting it though, letting himself sink deeper and deeper because she can't heal him, no one can. The best thing he can do is depart for good and hope he'd occasionally cross her mind.

Jaime had thought of her so often, of the way he put a smile on her tear stricken face or the way she'd hold him tighter when they made love. It's fitting she's the last thought he will ever have.

And as his lips part to allow the water in, Jaime felt a hand grab onto his golden chest plate and another under his left arm. Quickly, far too quickly, Jaime found himself gasping for breath as he broke the surface of the water. 

Breathing heavily, his blurry vision was slowly clearing as his heart was clamoring inside his chest. 

"What", Jaime tries as he coughs up water. 

Bronn pulls him up to the shore and drops him to the ground, collapsing next to him.

"You could have killed me", Jaime grumbles, struggling to breathe. 

"Kill you?! What the fuck were you doing back there?" Bronn smack his arm in outrage, heaving for breath just as well.

"Ending the war by killing her", Jaime remarks.

Propping himself up on his elbows, Bronn looks at him. "That's not what I was fucking talking about."

Swallowing thickly, Jaime looks up at the sky. "The armor was too heavy. I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"I didn't say that, now did I?" Bronn looks incredulously at Jaime. "But you were trying to do so and you almost succeeded." Laying back down, Bronn huffs. "I want more gold for risking my life twice to save your arse."

Snorting, Jaime nods as he sits up. "And what if a dragon burns me to dust?"

Bronn sits up and faces Jaime. "Listen to me, cunt. Till I get what I'm owed, a dragon doesn't get to kill you. You don't get to kill you. Only I get to kill you."

"That was only one of them", Jaime sniffles as the droplets run down his face. "She has two more. If she decides to use them, to really use them", he pauses as the thought of a lost battle against a Targaryen reminds him of the true destruction it would cause. 

There was a time Jaime had a choice to follow orders or do the right think and stop a mad Targaryen from burning down millions. He had stood bravely and done what was necessary then, so where was that Jaime now? He would have died in this river if not for Bronn and all because he had given another the power to ruin him and ruination he had become. 

He's not sorry he loves Rosalie and he's never going to apologize for the way he loves her because he doesn't know how to do it better, but he cannot allow her to influence him so strongly when lives are at stake. 

Whether she's aware of it or not, Rosalie is backing a tyrant in the making and Jaime can't be on her side this time. 

"You're fucked", Bronn exclaims, finishing his thought instead.