Midwinter

Now I'm just a broken parable

The water in the tub was beginning to cool against her skin. Annie had been in the water for what felt like an eternity. She was back in Arrow House. Charlie was asleep down the hall and Tommy...Tommy was gone. He’d gone on holiday at Arthur’s suggestion. It surprised her that he decided to leave, but in a way she was glad that she did. With him gone it gave her space to breathe without things aching. She’d put her neck out there confronting what was between them, but he’d refused her all in the name of safety.

It hurt to think about that night. Everytime she thought of it she thought of Tommy’s hand in hers and her lips against his palm. Tommy’s bright blue eyes had been full of fire and pain and desire and something Annie couldn’t let her self hope for. She wanted him to pull her close and hold her tight. Luca Changretta was dead. Arthur was alive. The Shelby’s were together again. There was no better time, in her mind. But she was wrong. In Tommy’s mind there was never going to be a good time. There was always going to be someone preventing any connection, although the only one Annie could see was Tommy himself. Was it because of Grace? Was he not ready to move on? Annie understood, she really did. She loved Elliot. She would always love Elliot, but he was dead. And Tommy? He was alive. And she was alive. How could they not even try?

Annie was tired of thinking and took a deep breath before submerging herself in the water. She stayed there until her lungs began to burn. The discomfort was a welcome distraction to her racing thoughts. Annie only came out of the water when she was certain her organs would burst from a lack of air. She broke through the water with a loud gasp, but before she could gain a breath tears came to her eyes and a sob escaped her. The woman wasn’t entirely sure why she was crying, all she did know was that she couldn’t stop. Maybe it was because her heart hurt. Maybe it was because she felt relieved to be home. Maybe it was because she could feel a phantom ache in her abdomen where a bullet once pierced her. Maybe it was all of those things.

She left the tub when her tears were dry and the water was causing her to shiver from it’s temperature. After drying off she slipped into a nightgown and braided her hair back. Annie was tired and not in a way that could easily be fixed by sleep. She needed rest. She needed to close her eyes and leave thoughts of Tommy and that night behind her; if only for a little while. Walking back to her room she peeked in on Charlie to make sure he was asleep. His little silvery blonde head was barely sticking out from under the quilt that covered him. It brought a small smile to her face as she closed the door and continued her journey to her room.

As she stared up at the ceiling the thoughts she wanted to banish consumed her still. This man would not leave her mind. His blue eyes and dark hair. His small freckles and impossible cheekbones. His anger and sadness and darkness and joy and laughter and gentleness. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. That was the beat of her heart and she hated it. Or at least she wanted to. But there was hope in her still that Annie could not extinguish. She wasn’t sure where the hope was stemming from, but nonetheless it was there. Maybe he would come around? Maybe he would see what she saw? Or maybe she would just leave. Move on from this disaster. Start over somewhere new...There was hope in that as well.

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When Arthur first suggested going on holiday Tommy thought that wasn’t such an awful idea. He thought that he could use a break. Spend some time alone and with himself. Away from work. From responsibility. From ghosts. From Annie. But, it turned out to be an extremely awful idea. Tommy was bored out of his mind. He was restless. He was haunted by demons now and not by ghosts. Phantom explosions rang in his ears.Ghostly taunting from Alfie Solomons followed him around. Tommy’s hands shook.

How many people that he’d known in his life had died? His mother. His father. Greta. Grace. John. Alfie. Many men he met during war time. Many men he met outside of wartime. The men he’d killed. Why did he think he could do something normal for once? Why did he think he could forget about the blood that was on his hands even for a small moment?

Golf was a terrible idea. Worse than the idea of a holiday itself. It was slow and Tommy didn’t like slow...Well, he didn’t like it apart from Annie. He wanted nothing more than to trade this damp early spring, alone on a golf course for a warm summer afternoon spent under a shade tree with Annie and Charlie. Tommy did not let his mind linger there for too long though. It hurt to think about his son’s nanny. To think about what she wanted and how he couldn’t give that to her. To think about how her safety was worth everything. He couldn’t add her to the list of dead in his life. She was far too precious for that. He would risk it all before he put her in danger. His business. His relationships. His mind, even. And that scared him, because there were not many times that Tommy was afraid. When he experienced a claustrophobic dirt tunnel for the first time. When Grace had been shot. When Charlie had been taken. But Annie? Just the mere thought of something happening to her made him fearful...And that was the scariest thing of all.