Midwinter

But I can't let go

Life on Watery Lane was not that different from life at Arrow House. The only difference Annie could really think of was the lack of space. Rather than running around playing hide and seek with Charlie and visiting the stable, they were now spending their days inside playing pretend and reading books and all the questions as to why they couldn’t go back home.

“We’re on an adventure!” Annie would tell the curious little boy. There was truth to her words, although this adventure was not like great journeys they read about in books. This adventure was dark. This adventure had an undercurrent of fear and tension. They hardly saw Tommy. After John’s funeral Tommy threw himself in the vendetta against Luca Changretta. He threw himself into work at the factory. Charlie was not only questioning why they couldn’t return home, but also where his father was.Annie never mentioned it, but she was asking herself the same exact thing.

“Good morning, Annie.” The lofty voice of Ada Shelby interrupted Annie’s thoughts. Annie put the tea she’d been sipping on down on the saucer in front of her. The sun had only been up for a few hours. Charlie was still asleep.

“Hi, Ada.” The friendship that blossomed between letters that came and went from England to Boston had only grown in person. Annie hadn’t had many female friends in her life. She’d always had Cora,but ever since her older sister married, things were not the same. “Seems as though Charlie and I are to see more of you these days than we are of Tommy.” Ada was quiet for a moment and then made eye contact with Annie.

“No, Annie.”

“No, what?”

“Don’t think about Tommy like that.” Annie looked at Ada in confusion as she talked. “He’s no good. He may be my brother, but he is a broken man who will only turn you into a whore.” The words stunned her. She didn’t know what brought this discussion on.

“I don’t-”

“I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. He will only ruin you.” Ada’s words were spoken with confidence.

“I don’t see Tommy in that way, Ada. He is just my employer and my friend.” She spoke with conviction. Tommy’s sister looked like she didn’t believe a word she said. Ada looked at her with pity gleaming in her blue-grey, Shelby eyes.

“He’s broken, Annie Lewis and he will only break you.” Annie couldn’t help but scoff at the statement.

“Tommy isn’t the only broken one.” The truth about her past life had come tumbling out of Annie’s mouth one night as they sat in front of the fire. The truth about Elliot, the Italians, her baby. All of it.

“And that is what scares me, Annie.” Ada was frustrated. “I’m afraid that he likes the broken in you. I think he likes seeings cracks in someone other than himself.” Instead of responding, Annie went back to sipping her tea. Did Tommy only like her for the tragedy she brought to the table? Did he keep her around because she could share in his darkness?

Those questions stuck with her throughout the day. Her mind was never fully focused on what she was doing. As she read, she didn’t comprehend the meaning of the words on the page. As she and Charlie played, Charlie would have to remind her to pay attention. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t sleep. All she could do was think on Ada’s warning. All she could do was think about Tommy Shelby. She was thinking about him so much that it startled her to see him walk through the door that night. Was it possible that her thoughts summoned him? Could he know that he was all she could focus on?

__

She was surprised when he walked in.

“I take it you weren’t expecting me.” Tommy said, sitting in a chair next to Annie. The woman nodded her head, not saying anything. They were both quiet for a moment. While it was not new for there to be silence between them, there was something unsettling about it now. “Annie, are you ill?”

“No. Why do you ask?” The confident tone he was familiar with was not there. She sounded small. He was reminded of the woman he first met who could not stop rambling. Of the woman who he made nervous.

“Just a thought.” Annie shifted in her chair, looking away from him. Tommy considered himself a patient man. He would wait. Did she want to leave? Had she finally come to her senses? Did she finally see him for the monster he really was? “Thomas,” She began after a few moments. “Why am I here?”

“Because it’s not safe to be anywhere else.” Had he not communicated that to her? They were all in danger outside of the streets he grew up on.

“No, Tom. Why am I here?” Tommy sat up straighter, wanting Annie to look at him. He needed to see her face. “There are plenty of people who could look after Charlie. People who could keep him safe. He’s getting older. Soon he’ll go to school. He’ll need a tutor.”

“Do you not want to be here anymore?” His voice was flat, trying not to let his thoughts escape his mind in any way. He didn’t want Annie to quit. Didn’t want her to leave.

“No!” Annie cried out, turning to him. He could see the honesty written on her face. “I-I love it here...Well maybe not in this house, but I do love being with Charlie. I enjoy this job so very much.” Tommy’s shoulders relaxed in relief.

“Then what’s the problem?” He asked.

“I’m just the nanny. I don’t see anyone else from Arrow House here. No cook. No maid.” The dark headed woman’s hand reached towards him for a moment, but she pulled it back. He watched her curiously. “Why am I here, Tom?” She questioned again.

“Must I have a reason?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t have one.” The straight line her mouth was sitting in turned to a frown as she stood up from her chair.

“It’s late.” Quickly she left the room without looking at him.

Tommy took a deep breath, held it, and then let out a long sigh. He didn’t have a clue what just transpired between them. He was thankful she didn’t want to leave them. To leave him, really. He wouldn’t let her go. She’d asked him for a reason, but in all honesty he didn’t even have an answer for himself. All he knew was that Annie Lewis couldn’t leave him.