Midwinter

I'm dying to be born again

Annie was truly thankful that she’d been given a little time off. She went to stay with her sister’s family. Thomas was right. It was a lot livelier being surrounded by nephews and her niece than her days that she spent with Charlie in the large and empty house that stood all alone.

“You seem happy.” Her sister, who was running a hand over her pregnant belly, commented. They were sitting at the kitchen table catching up on things that Annie had missed in the lives of the little people in the house. James was now speaking in sentences. Eleanor was enjoying school. Robert was terrorizing some children who lived down the street. “I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”

“I think I am happy, Cora.” Annie took a sip of her tea. There was something about Arrow House that lifted her spirits. Perhaps it was the fresh air and wide pastures. Perhaps it was the little boy who loved the ring that hung around her neck almost as much as she did.

“Elliot would want you to be happy.” Just because she was happy, didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel pain and oh, did that name cause her pain. There was a longing in her hear when she thought about him. Her husband. Her late husband. It had been over a year since she’d heard his laugh. Seen his smile. Felt his touch. Oh, how she missed him. In that moment though, she wasn’t thinking just of Elliot, but of the late Grace Shelby too. Perhaps that was why she was happy. Not because of the air or the fields or even Charlie but because she was not alone. Because Thomas Shelby also lost his great love. Because there was someone else who also knew the terrible pain that waited in the shadows of the night.

Her thoughts did not dwell on Elliot or Grace much longer though. A loud, frantic knock came from the front door of her sisters home. Cora excused herself to answer it. She was only gone for a few moments and when she returned there was a concerned look on her face.

“For you.” Was all she said. Annie got up from the table and walked towards the entryway of the house. There, in the doorway was Michael Gray looking so very grave.

“What’s wrong? Tell me it’s not Char-”

“It’s Tommy.” Shockingly, hearing those two words hurt. “It’s bad. Real bad. You need to come back to Arrow House right now. Charlie needs you.” Without another word, Annie all but flew down the hall to collect her things and to kiss her sister goodbye.

Michael didn’t say a single word to Annie on the ride to the place she was beginning to see as her home. She asked. She asked several times and in several different ways, but the boy would not answer. Once the car was parked, she opened the door and quickly got out. Michael did not follow her and instead drove off the moment she walked through the door. From what she could see the house seemed empty, but she knew where should could find Charlie.

He was in his room, playing with a small toy horse. Mary was standing by the window watching over him.

“I’m here now.”

“Nee!” Charlie exclaimed when he looked up at the sound of her voice. The name that Charlie had given her brought a smile to her face. A few weeks prior he’d begun calling her that because he, for some reason, could not say Annie. “Up, Nee! Up!” Annie got on her knees beside him and pulled him to her. “Look!” He held his toy horse right in front of her face.

“Oh my, Eun Beag!” She gasped to show excitement. “Is that a horse?” Plucking the horse from his hand, she gently touched the toy to the boys nose while neighing to the best of her ability. He laughed and the noise calmed her slightly.

Later that night while she was up, walking the halls unable to sleep, Charlie began to cry. It was odd, she thought. Charlie was usually good about sleeping through the night. His cries were like magnetic power though and they drew her to him. He was standing up, arms reaching out.

“Daddy!” He sniffled. Just as his crying, this was also odd. Charlie crying out for Grace was normal. Charlie crying out for his father rarely happened. In fact, it really only happened when he spotted the brooding Shelby man. “Daddy!” He must have known that something was not right, that, somewhere, his father was in agony.

__

“Daddy!” He heard, although it sounded like he was hearing it from dee in the ocean. “Daddy!”

“Shhh, Charlie. Not so loud.” That voice did not belong to his son. Tommy, with great effort, opened his eyes. Although his vision was blurry and it was dark, Tommy could tell that at the foot of his bed was his son being held by his nanny. The moonlight cast a silver glow on her skin. “I’m sorry Mr. Shelby.” Annie was in his bedroom. Another woman was in his bedroom. The room he once shared with Grace. He closed his eyes.

“Get out.” He hoped the tone of his voice conveyed how much he wanted her gone.

“I only came in bec-”

“Get the fuck out.” This time he was harsher. Surely, if she was smart of enough she would go, but she didn’t. “I did not take you for a brainless whore Miss. Lewis.”

“Pardon?” Annie’s voice was icy and quiet. That shocked him. Tommy did not think that the kind, little nanny had it in her. He opened his eyes again and saw the anger on her face.

“You come to my bedroom in the middle of the night. I tell you to leave, yet you stay”

“I’m here to bring you your son!” She snapped, voice raised with these words. “He was calling for you. In fact, he’s been calling for you almost every night since you landed yourself in the hospital.” She moved from the end of the bed to the side that he was sleeping on. “Now, be a decent father and take your son for the night. I hope these words leaving your mouth are because of the medicine you’re taking or the brain damage you received and not because you’re a cruel man.” The woman placed his son on the other side of him and headed towards the door.

“Miss Lewis…” She stopped. “I’m sorry,” She turned, mouth opening to speak, forgiveness written on her face. “But I am a cruel man.” It was the truth and he did not think he could hide that from her much longer. The sooner she realized that the better. Annie closed her eyes for a moment and her shoulders sunk, an invisible weight appearing on them. Without another word, she opened the door and left, slamming it behind her.

Tommy turned on his side and grabbed the small silver spoon and the medicine that was sitting on him night stand. He was aching; body, mind, and soul. When he was done he shifted towards his son, placing a large hand on the boys head, then shifted it down over the boys back. For a moment he sat in silence feeling his son’s body move.

“One day you are going to find that out too Charlie.” His son looked at him with sleep eyes. “You’re going to find out that I am a cruel man, but you are also going to find out that you must be a cruel man to live in a cruel world.”