Midwinter

And I'm not going anywhere

Annie was leaving. She decided it the moment Tommy walked out the door. Seeing Tommy the day before, a drunken zombie, ruined something inside of her. Hearing Charlie ask after his father, voice scared, ruined something inside her. Annie couldn’t do it anymore. She loved Tommy. She did. Loved him in a way she never thought she would love again. In a way she’d never felt before

“Ada…” She said into the receiver of the telephone she was using.

“Annie!” The nanny could hear the pleasant tone of surprise in her friend's voice. “This is a treat.”

“Ada, I’m leaving.” The line was silent for a moment.

“Leaving?”

“I have to go. I have-I can’t do this anymore.” Before picking up the phone, that evening after Charlie had gone to bed, Annie decided she would be brave. She no longer felt brave. Now she was crying and her chest hurt.

“Do what? Annie, darling, I need you to be more specific.”

“I can’t stay anymore. I need to leave. I-I can’t...I can-” Annie’s tears had now turned into sobs. She was gasping for air.

“Darling, stay put. Don’t leave yet! This will all get better. I will make this better. Don’t you DARE leave, Annie Lewis.” There was no response by sniffles, from Annie. “Annie, I need to hear you say it. I need you to promise me you won’t leave.”

“I...I promise, Ada.”

“Good girl.” Ada comforted. “Now, go wash your face and drink some tea. Everything will be fine, you just need to be patient.” Annie nodded as though the Shelby sister could see her. She wanted to believe the promise that it would all be fine, but as she hung up the phone her heart felt heavy. Too heavy. She still wanted to run, needed to run, but Ada’s words were racing through her head. Her friend asked her to stay put, so she would.

___

“Thomas Shelby!” Ada yelled as she threw the doors to his office open. Tommy looked up from the report he was reading. His glasses were sitting on the bridge of his nose. Today had been a long day. A day spent deciding the rest of his and his family's future.Thomas Shelby OBE, MP had a nice ring to it.

“What did I do now?” His voice was steady and monotone, not caring for the dramatics of his sister.

“You tell me, you bastard!” An outburst from Ada was not completely uncommon, but the fire in his told him that this time something was different. “She called me crying! Told me she was leaving! What did you do?” She was practically growling now.

“Who Ada? Who is leaving?” Ada approached his desk slowly, bending down to meet his eyes.

“Annie.” The world stopped spinning. His heart stopped beating. He stopped breathing.

“I have to go.” Tommy pushed his chair back from his desk and ran to grab his jacket from the coat rack by the door. Quickly, he stuffed his arms into the sleeves and left his office. Ada was chasing after him, spouting off some nonsense, but he had no time for it. Annie couldn’t leave. She just couldn’t.

That was what was repeating over and over in his head. He’d felt panic before, but not like this. He felt panic when Grace was bloody in his arms. He felt panic when his son was taken. He felt it when John and Michael and Annie had been shot. But this panic? This panic was animalistic. Tommy was not going to let her leave. He would do whatever it took. Annie wasn’t going anywhere. She couldn’t leave. Not him. Not Charlie. Arrow House would not be the same without her. Tommy would not be the same without her. Annie had done more than leave her mark on their lives. They were as good as branded by her.

Tommy drove as fast as he could. Turns were quick and sharp and the dirt he rolled over became dark clouds hanging in the air. He slammed the door to the car shut and the door to the house open when he arrived home.

“Annie!” He screamed, not caring if he woke anyone. “Annie fuckin’ Lewis!” Tommy yelled again. His voice bounced off the wooden walls. “You get in here right now!”

“I’m not a child, Tommy.” Her voice was flat and displeased. The Shelby man turned to face her and was taken aback by her tear swollen face. “What do ya’ want?” Annie’s Scottish accent, which he knew she tried to keep hidden, peaked out from behind her lips. It made his heart stutter.

“Want to tell me why Ada came bursting into my office this evening?” The nanny’s dark eyes dropped and she sighed. “She said you were leaving. Tell me she’s a liar.” Annie turned around and walked into the sitting room. “Tell me she’s a liar, Annie.”

“I can’t stay here Tommy. It hurts too much.” Her words were honest, but Tommy should have expected that. When was Annie not honest?

“No.” The word was simple and his voice was dark.

“You can’t force me to stay.” He stalked closer to her. Tommy knew he resembled a predator, desperate for the prey in front of him. He was desperate. The man took her tiny shoulders in his hands.

“No.” He repeated, shaking her gently. “You aren’t leaving me.” Annie pulled herself out of his grasp, clearly angry.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I-” She began to say, but her words were cut off.

“You’re not fuckin’ leaving me!” Something in him broke as he said this. Everything from the beginning of time, it felt, was now tumbling through a crack in his soul. Tears began to fall from his eyes and his chest heaved with a sob. “I need you.” Annie’s eyes were wide with shock. Never had she seen Tommy like this. Rarely had she seen a grown man like this. Just as she was beginning to approach him, he reached out to her. Tommy pushed her back against the wall and in the heat of anger and sorrow, covered her lips with his. “I need you.” He sobbed, tasting salty tears and the peppermint on Annie’s lips.

“Okay…” She whispered back, running her fingers over his cheek. He felt hope in that moment. A hope he’d not felt since he learned the Great War was over.