I'll Be Right Here Forever

2

"Jeremy?" 

Jeremy sat on the porch, looking out at the front yard. He turned back to see Christine in the doorway, a slight look of concern on her face. 

"Jeremy, come inside. It's getting late." 

He sighed. "In a minute." 

Time was cruel. Christine had stayed with him all this time, 5 years she has. 

5 years they've stayed together. 5 years Michael's been dead. It was almost unfair, Michael being gone and Jeremy having to continue to live his life. 

Pretending to live. Jeremy reminded himself. Because in reality, this wasn't living. The day of his own wedding he considered running off, because it seemed like such a crime to live this false happy life, when Michael suffered for the last few months of his own. 

But he couldn't do that. He couldn't leave Christine. That would cause her great devastation and he would, once again, be at fault for losing someone close to him. 

So he got married. Woo. 

Now every afternoon he sat on the porch. A thing he grew to do since they bought the stupid old house. He moved an hour away from his dad, and an hour away from where Michael laid. 

He sat out there for hours, until the sun decided he was too pathetic to look at anymore and the moon came out to taunt him for still sitting there. 

He did this only to question himself, and Michael's former actions. And wasn't it hell? To ask questions you know will never get an answer?

It was. At times Jeremy considered himself to be at breaking point. When that happened he got up from the porch steps, turned on his heels, pulled opened the screen door, turned the handle to the next, and went inside. 

A new environment, a new slate. 

Almost immediately, he heard the sounds of small footsteps running to him. That was another thing that had changed. 

A child. He smiled, despite not wanting to, and picked her up in his arms. "Hey Michelle," 

The little girl hugged him tightly. "Daddy! I missed you!" 

He could see Christine standing in the kitchen just out of the corner of his eye, observing him. 

A wave of discomfort washed over him, he put his child down and turned to face her. 

"Everything okay?" 

"Jeremy we need to talk." He sighed. 

He knew that could lead to nowhere good, then again, he had nothing to lose. 

He made his way to the kitchen, standing across from her, leaning back against the cold countertop. 

"Jeremy you're not okay." 

"I know that." 

She shook her head. "Have you been seeing the therapist I found for you?" 

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember the woman's name. "Lorene?" 

"Linda." 

"Right." 

She scoffs. "When was the last time you went?" 

Only the first session. But he couldn't tell her that. 

"A month or so," 

Another shake of her head, followed by a frustrated noise. "Jeremy you told me you'll get better for her." 

"I can't just let go of him-" 

Christine looked at him with frustration. "Jeremy Michael's gone. He has been for years now. I allowed you to grieve for years. I let you have a picture of him up with us at the alter, to have him as your best man. I allowed you to name our daughter the closest thing to him, even though I shouldn't have. Youve chosen to keep his car and that hoodie he gave you. You keep his last note framed in your office. Don't you think it's time to let go?"

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. "Wouldn't that be selfish?" 

"Selfish?" She walks closer to him, closing most of the distance between them. "What's selfish is you throwing your life away for a boy that's not here anymore." She says firmly. 

He felt his heart break. "How could you say that?" 

"Jeremy," She starts again. 

"No." He interrupts her. "You know he meant the world to me. He was my best friend, Christine. You can't just say stuff like that. Maybe I don't want to get better, okay? Maybe I didn't want to start a family, or get married. Maybe I just want my best friend back. Maybe I just want to know what he was thinking before he jumped. I just want to know if there was a second of hesitation before he did. I want to know if he was waiting for me to run after him. Maybe that's what I want, Christine." 

"But no matter how many hours I sit out on that porch, 1,825 days still passed and I haven't gotten the answers to the questions I desire most." He meets Christine's eyes, hers filled with hurt. 

"I know that this is probably what you wanted, marriage and a family, but I just can't be either of those for you. I can't be a good husband for you and I can't be a good father for her. I'm sorry that these five years have been painful for you, but you chose to stay, so you're at fault." 

Christine says nothing for the longest time, but her eyes never leave his. The tension between them grew thick, leaving Jeremy struggling to maintain eye contact. After a moment Christine speaks. 

"Goodbye Jeremy." 

She walks past him quietly holding her head high. He hears her walk to the living room just across the kitchen to grab their child, and the front door close. 

He took a seat at the old table, closing his eyes and rubbing his temple. 

Christine left, and yet, he felt no sadness taking over his body. He was not being drowned anymore than he already was. Christine was still alive and Michael wasn't. 

Michael. 

What was he thinking before he jumped? Was there a second of hesitation before he did? Was he waiting for me to run after him? The questions flooded his mind. The squip was gone, but the voices screamed. 

The unanswered questions would never be answered, and they'll always remain this way.