Outsmarted [Hwang Hyunjin]

Chapter 26

I looked at the calorie burn tracker on the treadmill, smiling as the number started to rise quicker. I took a few more steps, then felt a pain in my leg.

Shit, not again.

Before I got the chance to save myself, it was already too late and my weakened legs gave out on me. This isn't the first time I've overexerted myself and had the consequence of having my body fail me. I crashed hard down onto the belt of the treadmill and then had it launch me into the wall behind me, since I didn't get the chance to turn it off. I groaned and grabbed at my back feeling the stinging pain all over.

That's going to leave a bruise.

I just laid there for a bit trying to hold in my tears, but as expected I couldn't hold them in. It wasn't just the physical pain that left my eyes dripping, it was a lot more emotional pain piled onto it. Feelings of being a failure floated around my brain, a product of again not being able to run as fast or for as long as I wanted.

Honestly, I just wanted to prove to myself that I was good enough or maybe even prove to them that I was... but I promised myself I wouldn't think about them. I wanted to prove, after all that I've been through, that I am a girl worth loving. A girl worth respect and attention other than negative. This year of constant torment and reminders that I am nothing but a disgusting monster has maybe rewired my brain I guess you could say. I believe I've accidentally started to internalize their words... actually I started as soon as the bullying started.

I sobbed a little harder.

There's actually one more thing on my mind. Them.

A few weeks ago Heeyoung's words really cut deep; the ones about my parents. I thought about it more and more how weird it was that their business trip was lasting so long that they didn't bother visiting me all year. Not for Thanksgiving, not for Christmas and not even for my birthday. I just told myself that they were really busy working, because thoughts of any other possible truths hurt too much. Anyways, I did a little more research on them and their business trips. The first piece of information I found was that business trips rarely ever last this long and actually usually only last a few days. That information hurt, but nothing would ever hurt as much as the last article I found. It was titled, "The Kim's finally settle down and buy a mansion in Shanghai." The article had further information on how they were excited to officially start a new life in China. Each word I read felt like little knives stabbing into my heart.

... They started a new life... without me.

My parents are the "they" I refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones who have me on the floor crying, all alone. I've always felt like I wasn't enough for them and they've always been a little distant, but I still never expected this.

Their absence hurt, but the confirmation that they weren't coming back hurt so much more. It hurt so bad I'd prefer to still have the stupid belief that they would come back one day. Blissful ignorance seemed so much more desirable.

Luckily, it seemed that they would still fund me with the money I needed to survive because they had been giving me more than enough money than that of what I needed to survive. I'm pretty sure that they had the house fees under control because I've never seen any bills or had to worry about them... at least they did that for me. They're filthy rich actually, but that never changed the way I acted. They were probably richer than Heeyoung's parents, but I never kept my nose in the air like she did.

I cried harder and gagged due to the exhaustion, but the sensation didn't bother me since it wasn't foreign.

- - -

PRESENT

YUMI'S POV:

Thinking back on the memories of when I discovered my parent's left me, left a stinging feeling in my heart. However, it was a feeling I learned to not let hurt me a long time ago. Instead, I use that feeling to motivate me to do good things, like to get better grades or continue to push myself to maintain my body. Maybe the motivation comes from a false belief that my achievements might impress them or convince them I'm not a failure worth leaving. Nonetheless, they're not even aware of what I look like now or have accomplished. The last time they acknowledged me was when their secretary told me I'd be transferring to Seoul High School this summer and no wasn't an option. Sure I wanted to scream denial, especially considering who went to Seoul High School and the painful memories that came with them, but being compliant seemed like the easiest option. But most importantly, maybe, just maybe I'd please my parents enough for them to come back. But they never did.

It's been 4 years since I last saw them in person. 4 lonely birthdays, Thanksgivings and 3 lonely Christmases.

How sad.