The Hurt And The Healing: Bucky X OC

Chapter Eighty-One: Three, Two, One

First lesson of triage: do the math. Save as many as you can.

Second lesson of triage: you must prioritize cases based on severity and potential.

Third lesson of triage: you can't save everyone.

Memories of a life short lived flashed through Mara's mind as she tried to find something to grasp hold of and keep herself sane. She probably should have been sad most of them were at work, but she had learned and grown so much in the hospitals that it was hard to be resentful or disappointed.

Her first day in the ER she had been terrified. An entire city block had been bombed to oblivion by mobsters, and as the bloody bodies poured into the bay panic took over. That was the first time she froze. A senior resident saw her and grabbed onto her shoulders, shaking her out of her fear. He gave her those three lessons to remember, and in doing so he had also taught Mara how to stay sane when the world went to shit. Every time she was forced to decide between life and death, she did the math. She calculated the odds. And she accepted that not everyone was going to survive.

The math she had to do that morning was simple. It didn't take a medical degree to recognize that they were not going to survive this. She could not save them both. And even if she could, the quality of their lives as Movoniv's prisoners was low. Mara wasn't sure how much more pain she could take, or how much more shed blood Bucky's soul could support before collapsing in on himself. Besides, if Bucky was fully under Movoniv's control thanks to Mara being his hostage, then even more people would die. The Winter Soldier had killed hundreds. How many more would Bucky kill just to keep her alive?

Two lives minus countless others. The answer was unacceptable.

Then there was the possibility of Bucky dying. Of him sacrificing himself to save her and the people who would suffer under Movoniv's rule. Sure, she would be alive. But she would be without him. And the lives that he could save by continuing to be a hero would also be lost. All the lives spared by taking away Movoniv's power, minus all the lives lost by taking away the good Bucky could do, minus Bucky, and minus her.

That number was even worse than the first.

Which left option three: Mara died. Bucky would break free from Movoniv without her there to tether him down. She could never be used against him again, and he would never succumb to the Winter Soldier. He would mourn her, but they had built a support network for him over the past several months. He would survive. So would all of Movoniv's potential victims. And all the people Bucky would save once he got over her enough to continue on.

Countless lives, including Bucky's, minus hers.

Lessons one, two, and three were appeased with that total.

No, they were not going to survive this.

But he would, and if she was being honest with herself, that was all that really mattered to her.

Her math was solid, and that brought some comfort. By sacrificing herself she could save more lives in death than she ever could in life. As the pain burned through her she latched onto that thought and refused to let go. She had half a plan. Now all that was left was the simple matter of getting herself killed.

It felt strange to plan for her own death. For so long she had fought to keep it. But she hadn't spent all those years in an ER making decisions about who lived and who died only to prioritize herself. She would kill herself with as little fuss as possible, and in doing so would save both Bucky and at least a small fraction of the world. Not even she could argue her way out of that.

The kill switch was her best bet. She could goad Movoniv into hitting it, but Bucky would blame himself for not stopping it. She had to leave no room for misinterpretation. She had to press it herself while showing him she was in her right mind.