The Hurt And The Healing: Bucky X OC

Chapter Sixty Nine: The Power Of A Word

 "So, Mara," Dr. Grover smiled. "What's on your mind?"

"Bucky and I have been talking a lot and I need to figure out what I am trying to say instead of making him listen to me ramble through my thoughts," she answered, shifting uncomfortably on the couch that felt too large without someone beside her. "I figured that maybe a one on one session could help me understand what I'm trying to say."

"I am so glad that you felt comfortable with coming back here," Dr. Grover said encouragingly. "I know that our last session was very emotional. And I wanted to thank you again for sharing those thoughts with me, Mara. I know that vulnerability is painful for you."

"Bucky makes it easier," she replied. "He's made sure I don't go back into my cold little hiding place anymore. And he adores that magnet."

"I'm glad that you two are embracing that technique. It's a little silly, but silliness helps cut through the tension," Dr. Grover explained. Mara nodded.

"Oh, it does."

"So you've been using the magnet during these conversations?"

She nodded.

"What emotions keep coming up for you both?"

"Worried," Mara answered. "We're both worried. More about each other than about ourselves, which I'm sure means something, but we haven't gotten into that part yet."

"So what parts have you gotten into?" Dr. Grover asked, making a quick note in her pad before turning her focus back onto Mara. She appreciated that about the doctor. There was never more than a five second pause for Dr. Grover to write something down before she was back to looking at her patients. Normally Mara would have hated being observed like that, but Dr. Grover made it feel empathetic, not judgmental.

"Our relationship," Mara answered. "Specifically how serious it is. Bucky seems ready for us to move into something more... advanced. But I have..." she paused, trying to think of the right word. "Reservations."

"About?"

"Well, for one thing our vastly different experiences with dating. Based on what he's told me, Bucky has never been in a serious relationship before now. He mostly dated around and kept things casual." She frowned a little at the memory of that conversation. "He told me that so long as he was in love with Steve he couldn't be in love with anyone else. But he couldn't be with Steve and so-" She shrugged. "It makes sense. I didn't date anyone other than Alex because no one measured up to him. Until Bucky, of course."

"Of course. So what about that makes you worry?" Dr. Grover pressed. "Do you feel jealous of Bucky's previous girlfriends? Or maybe Steve?"

Mara paused to consider that.

"Can I say something a little awful?" she asked, knowing that Dr. Grover would say yes but still requiring reassurance. The doctor nodded. "There is no one for me to be jealous of. The only other person that Bucky has ever loved is Steve, and he told me that he was more in love with his memory of Steve than he is with the Steve that existed before everything went wrong with the time travel. Maybe if Steve were still around and a part of Bucky's life I'd worry that Bucky would want to be with him. But- and here's the awful part." She took a deep breath. "Steve isn't around. Steve doesn't even remember Bucky. And it's horrible to say, but I can't really be jealous of someone who can barely remember his own name."

"You are a very practical woman, Mara," Dr. Grover mused. "And I know that while some people may hear you say that and think you are cold hearted, I believe it's just pragmatism. You ration out your emotions and you do not want to waste them on a threat that does not exist."