The Hurt And The Healing: Bucky X OC

Chapter Fifty Five: Hurt, Horny, Pissed Off, And Preemptively Grieving

Mara watched with bated breath as Sam flew high above the forest only to turn and dive back into the trees at a breakneck speed, most likely aiming for Bucky. When the three men had left before dawn they had all been tight lipped as to what was planned for the day. All she could drag out of Sam was that this was Bucky's final test before Sam decided whether or not he was ready to face Movoniv.

Which meant that if today went well the decision as to whether or not Bucky could leave would be Mara's.

Thanks to the serum Bucky had healed from his injuries faster than anyone Mara had treated before. His legs and arm were strong, his heart rate remained low even after grueling workouts, and all that remained from his weeks of torture were thick white scars that encircled his body. Every test Mara came up with he passed, and every time she gave him a check up after a training session he seemed to only have gotten stronger.

Even his memories were mostly back. Some details were fuzzy, and he occasionally needed prompting to remember events, but when Zemo quizzed him about his missions as the Winter Soldier or Mara asked about specific conversations, Bucky almost always answered them with ease, sometimes recalling details that the other's had themselves forgotten. The nightmares were still an issue, and sometimes when Mara woke Bucky was clinging to her in his sleep. But then she would gently bring him back to consciousness and eventually he would be calmed down enough to try to sleep again.

He was healed.

Mara wished he wasn't.

It was horrible, she knew that. She was a doctor, her job was to take broken people and make them whole. And Bucky was a literal walking success story. But for the first few weeks that they had him back, when he was barely able to sit up without aid let alone get up and wander around, Mara had felt at peace. In a selfish and unfair way him being bedridden meant that he was safe with her. That he would not leave on a mission and never come back because he physically could not leave.

Mara had never held back anything she knew could help him recover faster. But she would be lying if she claimed to have never considered it.

"Sounds like the boys are having fun," Nonna tried to joke as gunfire rang through the forest, startling both of them out of the silence that had descended upon the kitchen since the men had left. Mara winced and forced herself to face the old woman.

"I hate this."

"I know," Nonna replied sadly. "But they will be back soon, and Sam won't allow Bucky to get hurt."

"No, I don't hate him training," Mara clarified, sitting down at the kitchen table with her abandoned mug of tea that had done nothing for her nerves. "I hate that when he comes back from training I have to decide whether to send him out for a mission where if I'm wrong he's as good as dead. Again."

Nonna sighed and set down the pot she had been scrubbing and joined Mara at the table.

"Do you blame yourself for last time?" she demanded, taking Mara's hand in her's. "Because you told them how to find out which areas to target?"

"I- I don't-"

"I know that you know in your head that it was not your fault," Nonna continued, cutting off Mara's stuttering. "I also know that you tend to blame yourself for things that are not your fault. Remember how for the first two years after Alexander died you were convinced that you could have talked him out of enlisting if you just tried harder?"

Mara frowned at the memory.

"Bucky leaving for the mission to Haasenstadt was not your decision, it was his. And his leaving to kill Movoniv also be only his decision." Nonna squeezed Mara's hand and chuckled wryly. "It took Hydra two decades to be able to force Bucky to follow their orders. You and I both know that while he may be asking for your permission, you are not making him do anything. If you could, you would be more powerful than actual brain washing."