Just This Much

34: Oath

"What made you think that I have to pretend?"

Her shoulders turned rigid as she felt her breathing falter for a split second. They stared at each other wordlessly, and even though Ki-Ryeong's lips were stretched into a teasing smirk, she can still see truth in his eyes.

The words he just uttered were out of pure honesty.

Lilac tilted her head and let out another deep breath to calm her racing heart. "If we're going to be honest now, then let's do this right," she pointedly said.

Kio absentmindedly sat straighter and slid closer to her. She adjusted the pillow behind her, so she could sit more comfortably. It's like they are preparing for a battle which is what this might actually be—a battle of perception towards each other's feelings.

And you know what she just noticed? She now has a tight grasp on Kio's emotions, the same way he has a grasp on hers. They have memorized each other after all those far-from-casual past encounters, and that could either be good or bad for this conversation.

"What do you mean by that?," she asked, straight to the point. "I'm not one of your girls, Ki-Ryeong. You don't have to use your usual flowery lines on me. After what happened to you—to us—these past weeks, I don't think we should complicate our situation more with unnecessary mixed signals."

The smile on Kio's face gradually disappeared and was masked by an offended expression. "You think I've been giving you mixed signals?," he frowned.

"You know what they say, those who are heartbroken are more likely to fall in love because they're the ones who need it the most. And in your case, I've been with you through it all—"

"You think I'm using you as a rebound, as a safety net," he concluded, no questions asked.

She bit her lip, and looked away from the guy after seeing his face. There was a moment there, when pain became so evident in his expression, but he immediately hid it behind a fake smile. Guilt grew inside her chest instantly. She had to say it. She had to be brutally honest or else they won't know where they stood in each other's lives.

"Can you blame me?," she breathed out, looking back at him. "I won't blame you if you think that way towards me, too. We're both... unlucky in love," she then faked a smile.

"Why Li, do all your past actions have hidden meanings, too? Do I have a reason to assume you're also giving me mixed signals? Are you trying to say you like me back?"

Hope. That is all she could see in his eyes right now. Overflowing hope and longing, and she doesn't even know if she's still breathing properly at that moment.

Kio likes her. He definitely does. His eyes say so. But unlike him, her bottom lip shook instead, and she doesn't even know why. It is like the questions she had been pushing in the furthest part of her mind were slapped right on her face in one go.

She hated him, right? She used to hate him, she remembered hating him. That's how it's supposed to be. That's what she knew, and what she's been used to. How can he sit in front of her right now, look straight into her eyes and instead of animosity... she actually feels safe and calm.

When did they ever cross the thin line between love and hate? Was this even love when it feels so natural? No fireworks, no butterflies in the stomach, no earth-shattering admission... just a light feeling of trust and respect. This is very different than what she felt for Ash, so how can she consider this as something more than friendship? Or is she only becoming dependent on Kio because of the comfort he gives?

"Ki-Ryeong," she finally responded after minutes of contemplation. She needs to carefully choose her words, or this heart-to-heart talk will end up with the two of them on different sides. "I have to fly to China in three days, and Chief Kang and I agreed that I should stay here with you before my flight."

His eyes widened in slight shock. She guessed the members didn't tell him about the said decision. When her companion remained silent, she continued;

"Give me time. In three days, I'll give you my answer."

"Why are you hesitating? You can just tell me you don't feel the same. I completely understand. You've been in love with Asher for years, and I shouldn't expect you to just forget about him easily."

"That's it," a single teardrop escaped her left eye and she quickly made sure it will be the last. She swallowed down the rest, and blinked away the wetness in her eyes. "You said it yourself. I've been in love with Asher, how can I be sure of what I feel towards you? How can I just... how can I just trust myself right away? What if I end up hurting you? What if I take the risk now and realize in the end that it's still Ash? Ki-Ryeong, I'm not only doing this for myself but for you as well."

Kio looked down, causing her to follow the direction of his eyes. She saw his almost-white fist tightly gripping the blanket. She immediately reached for it, and spread out fingers so she could intertwined them with hers.

"I'll take it," he whispered. "I'll take anything you can give me. As long as you give me something, I'll take it."

She gasped in disbelief, as the painful words resonated through her heart. "No!" she angrily breathed out, "no, Ki-Ryeong... how can you—no! You don't deserve that! Don't ever say something like that again!"

He looked back at her and gave her a tight-lipped smile, the faint furrowing of his eyebrows seem to be full of regret. "I'm sorry. I want to be completely honest with you, too and that was the truth, baby. You can hurt me and I'd even say thank you."

He sure sounded like he's joking, but why did she find herself crying? And now, she didn't even bother to stop the tears.

"That's not funny," she said, quite annoyed, but because of her sobs she appeared pitiful.

Ki-Ryeong stretched his arm out and wiped her tears with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. "I'm sorry. You can take your time, I can wait. But please remember; my feelings, my responsibility. It's not your obligation to feel the same way. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I'm insisting that you should reciprocate my feelings. I was just... I thought it's better to be rejected now and find out what I did wrong, so I can try harder and do better next time."

"There's a next time? You will try again even though I rejected you?"

"What am I supposed to do? Give up after just one rejection? You're worth more than that, baby. You see, she gave me a letter before we broke up, and you know what it said?"

This is the first time he's voluntarily sharing something about what his ex-girlfriend said or did, and she is suddenly reminded that the girl is real. That's another reason she asked for more time—his past. It's not only her who could use another three days to reconsider her feelings, but Kio too.

"What?"

"If you ever fall for another, you should pluck the stars for her. You should take her to the moon. You should make her experience all the magical moments you've given me and more." He cleared his throat, proving that he is also controlling his tears. "When I read those words, I was defensive. I told myself that's never going to happen. I won't ever fall in love again, but I was mistaken. I actually did, and she's right—I'm willing to do anything, anything to make you happy."

She chuckled and decided to ride onto his sweet bluff, "you'll pluck the stars for me? You'll take me to the moon? What else?"

Kio shrugged, laughing a bit as well. "I'll sell my soul to whoever's in charge, and move the whole universe for you."

She was rendered speechless, or maybe she was too overwhelmed with emotions and was unable to utter another word because of her uncontrollable sobs. He chose to keep going with his heartfelt oath;

"Take your time. Take all the time you need, and I'll just be here. I will always be waiting. It's fine if you won't choose me. My only wish is for you to stay where I can see you, or hear from you. I want you healthy and happy, at least promise me that."

She nodded in understanding, "I promise."

"Then everything's worth it."