Dandelions | Yuki Ishikawa

Scared

"I... I got engaged to Mio before leaving for Italy and we are currently expecting... twins"

"Congratulations! and twins! How is she doing?"

"She's doing well, my mother is keeping an eye on her... but it hasn't really... sunk into me yet. I don't know how to feel about it..."

I heard him sigh, he probably wasn't expecting for me to say that.

"Ishikawa-san, I would be surprised as well, if I were in your position, but kami has blessed you not one but two bundles of joy. Take it as a sign that you're doing something good. You'll probably need time to process all this, but remember, Fujioka-san is dealing with so much more. She'll have a higher risk of having complications and it's not easy being pregnant then double that... She's going to need all the support she could get.."

"I know... I just... I just don't want to have to choose between volleyball and them.."

"Did she ask you to choose?"

"No... I'm at the peak of my career and I just... I don't know..."

"Why don't you take a breather and think things through. Here's what I can tell you though... volleyball can only make you happy at a certain degree... wait until you meet them and then you'll feel what true happiness is like"

I thanked him for listening to me and for giving me some advice. I'll have to take some time to myself to prepare for this... fatherhood. I need to process everything. I have to make sure I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically prepared for this next chapter of my life.

That's what I did.. I read articles and books about pregnancy and childbirth and fatherhood. I got so into it that I was losing sleep and completely ignored the reason why I was doing it. I wasn't myself... I was grumpy the majority of the day, but I try to hide it during practice and during matches. I can't let this affect my game.

We had another argument.. and probably the biggest argument we've had regarding this situation. I called her to check up on her after a match..  we lost that match and I wasn't up for any small talk or anything. I said things I didn't mean to say and hurt her. She was calm about it, I guess she's had enough of me and the way I was handling this...

I stopped receiving updates from her regarding her health, the pregnancy, and the twins. I should be punished for all my actions.. she didn't deserve how I treated her... What is wrong with me!?!?!

Days... weeks... months passed by. Mama would send me occasional updates. I found out that we're having a boy and a girl when mama sent me a picture of the sonogram with their genders and that the twins' heartbeats  were strong and they seem to be healthy, at that point at least. I called Mio when she asked me if I was available at one point. She asked if she should move out before I get back from Italy. Why would she move out? She told me she wasn't sure if I'll be fine having baby supplies in the apartment. Of course I'll be fine with that. That's our home. It's not what I said though... I told her that she can stay as long as she wants since I won't be around much due to VNL... another excuse... it's not until August-September.

I keep making mistakes one after the other and it's just piling up on me. How am I going to make it up to her? She probably hates me by now... I'm surprised she hasn't ended the engagement yet or is she waiting for me to end it? Fuck.

Mama sent me a video of her on the couch watching a replay of our Olympic matches. She was rubbing her tummy, it was big.. of course... she was carrying twins.

"I hope you two will grow up and be as athletic as your dad and lead your own team in the Olympics" she said.

"Ooh.." her face scrunched up a bit and mama asked if she was fine. She lifted her shirt up and I could see them moving inside her.