ataraxis

vi

the chaos inside my head is deafening
the fears...
the darkness...
the pain...
the feast among the nameless monsters that has been lurking on my mind is prosperous
heeding to be heard...
demanding to be welcomed...
waiting to be embraced...

help.
i wanted to scream
but my mouth was muffled
my body, raddled
and i wondered,
was i being strained?
or i just grew tired of it?
of seeking
of running away
of fighting

maybe,
before even realizing it
i am already feasting with the monsters i tried escaping from.
i got used to being eaten
of losing from them
so i fed them with my own volition
because i realized salvation is futile.

i will always end up in that state.
i will always end up drowning from that pitfall of worries
mourning from the lost opportunities
regretting the choices that will never be undone
dreading the mistakes i shouldn't have committed
and hating myself for everything i lack of.

i will drown everyday
i will dance with the monsters I create for myself
embrace them like how they wanted it be
whispers will be heard like anthems of melancholic lullabies during nightfall

peace—
deprived.

happiness—
sucked.

rigidity—
broken.

salvation—
far-fetched.

darkness—
unwarranted.

fears—
growing.

and life—
slipping away.

vi: “fiend”