ataraxis

ii

i'm sorry, that i'd become so distant when there are words i wanted to tell you, but never spoken. i'm sorry that even when you want to help me, i'd refuse and would reason out for not being available. i want to spend time with people i love, but right now, i am tired. of existing. of trying to make myself believe that im fine. when the truth is, i',m not.

i am not fine. i've been living in an empty shell. alive and breathing... but dead. i've been distancing myself away from people. because these days, everything that exists in my real world tires me. everyone around me is frightening me.  everything i've been breathing with has started to suffocate me. and i've been living in isolation. barely eating. barely sleeping. and i feel like i have nothing else to do but think... about my life's what ifs and could've beens and let my mind wander away. charting the sea of thoughts inside my head. trying to swim against it but ended up drowning.

i want peace. and freedom. i want to breath. but this things i seek are far-fetched. evasive. there are days that i'm hopeful and there are days that just give up. some other days, i'm fighting and some days, i let myself to rot away. sometimes, everything in me hurts. but most of the times, i just feel... nothing. i feel empty. void. and then i'd feel everything altogether. the pain. sadness. regrets. the anxiousness. the fear. the needing. and the pushing away. sometimes, i crave for company. and then i wanted to be alone. sometimes, i look for comfort from advices. and sometimes, i just don't care.

i think that the worst part of it all is when i'd become the monster i fear. because i started to learn not to care about what i and the people around me would feel. i don't care if people. i don't care if they hurt me.

maybe one day. maybe, i can just finally rest and never come back again. i'd be at the place where i longed to be. and in there, there will be peace. happiness. freedom.

but for now, i'd still spend my nights having breakdowns and my days trying to hold on to this dear life.

for now, i'd fight for this life not to crumble. i'd fight so i won't slip away...

just yet.

ii: “tranquility”