Easy on me (Y/N)

Chapter 5

Y/N's POV:
A few weeks later I'm in my local supermarket when I see Robbie. Oh fuck this. Something in me tells me to hit record on a voice memo.
"If it isn't Lizzie's rebound. How does it feel to be just an experiment?" Robbie laughs.
"I'm not doing this. Just treat her well that's all I ask," I sigh walking past him. He grabs my arm stopping me from walking away.
"You're a disgrace you know that. What kind of lifestyle are you providing your kid with? Had to get yourself knocked up by a freezer because no one else would go near you. I don't blame them Lizzie told me all about the scars how hideous they are. No ones ever going to want to go near you again. Maybe they shouldn't have resuscitated you. She never loved you. Who would? I bet even your kid won't," He smirks. I keep my composure and walk away. As soon as I get home I start to shake uncontrollably. I put Tommy on his play mat with his toys while I curl up a ball devastated by the encounter.

A knock at the door wakes me out of my spiral. I open it to see Ashley. I'm still in shock. Ashley starts to panic. She guides me to the sofa giving me a glass of water.
"Ok can you tell me what happened? You're still shaking," Ashley requests. I go to open my mouth but nothing comes out. I just hang my head in defeat. It's like everyone is really far away. I can hear echos but not what has actually been said. I stare at the wall unable to process what happened. Until someone cups my face. Lizzie.
"You shouldn't be here," I sigh.
"Why? What's wrong?" Lizzie asks concerned. I remove her hand from my face playing the recording of the encounter. I watch as Ashley becomes enraged and Lizzie is almost as shocked as me.
"You know that's not true right? None of it. I love you. I always have and I always will," Lizzie assures me.
"But you love him more. I can't have you in my life right now Lizzie, you need to leave. I'm scared ok. He's intimidating and abusive. I don't want that around my son," I plead.
"Don't do this. I just got you back," Lizzie begs tearily.
"I can't let him be a part of my kids life. Not when he says stuff like that," I reply unable to look at her.
"Ok I'll go but I'll be here whenever you need me," Lizzie states kissing my forehead gently. God I love her.

Lizzie's POV:
I rush back to set unable to go home to see him without losing it completely. I've locked the book away so I get it out and begin to read. Since I can't talk to her verbally I'll write notes of how I was feeling and any additional questions I have. I start by reading the first page.

Leaving someone you love to protect them is quite something. If I had to do it all again I would. My entire time of knowing her I only had one mission...to protect her. That mission will remain until my dying breath. I've died twice since then and still that need to protect her goes on. Her mother tells me she's happy. She's engaged and I would say it breaks my heart but it doesn't belong to me anymore. It hasn't since the day I met her. It has been hers ever since. As long as she's happy it is safe and unbroken. If she gets hurt or heartbroken only then will it break. It hurts me to see her in pain. Hence why I left. How could I put the woman I love through that. Her watching me lose myself slowly. Watch me become a shadow of myself. Watch me die. I couldn't. This was the right thing to do. And I stand by it. She may hate me for it but she didn't go through any where near as much pain or suffering instead she found love again and happiness. And for that I'll let her hate me. For I love her with all I am. And all I ever will be.

My tears stain the sheet of paper in front of me. What am I doing? Why am I with this sort of man? When she would let herself die alone rather than hurt me. I love him a lot but not in the way I love her. Is that why? Am I protecting myself? Can I only ever let myself love again so much? Her leaving broke my heart. And maybe it hasn't fully repaired. Maybe it never will. I feel myself grabbing a pen and responding.

From the first day of becoming best friends you always protected me. It was like having my own personal body guard. You're the only person that ever made me feel truly safe. I miss the feeling of being within your arms. As soon as I was in them I knew true comfort and protection. With just a simple look you could reassure me. You always will. What was your final thought when you died? What was it like? Did you think of me? Part of me hopes you did because I never stopped thinking about you. Every day when I woke up, my last thought before I went to sleep. I'd dream about you coming home sweeping me off my feet and proposing. Is that out of reach? Is that dream really just that? I never hated you. I just hate what you did because I was alone. Because I lost you. I won't lose you again. I can't lose you again because I love you. You think I love him more but that's not true. Sometimes I have to protect myself and my heart. You're the only person on this planet that can truly break my heart. That's why I'm still with him. To protect myself but it doesn't mean I don't want you to stop fighting for me. Don't give up on me. I can't fight for you just yet. I will soon I promise. Give me time. I will love you forever. And I will be back in your arms whether that's this year or in 10 years. I'll find my way home to you.

Author's Note:
It's so much easier to tell people how we feel when we're not facing them. Will they ever be truly open with each other or is that constant need to protect each other still ever apparent?