《 𝘼𝙜𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙗𝙞𝙘 》

《 𝘼𝙜𝙤𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙗𝙞𝙘 》(8)

TW: Depressing thoughts, Suicidal thoughts, SH, Coping Mechanisms

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Corpse Flashback

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Why am I like this? What have I done to deserve this? Somewhere along the line did I walk under a ladder unknowingly? Did god just decide that I would be fucked up when he created me?

I clench my eyes shut and roll over in bed. Everything feels heavy and dark and foggy today. Even though the sun is shining through my thin curtains and that would usually brighten my mood, nothing seems to be able to break through the veil of depression around me.

I just want to die.

I just want to cut.

I just want it to stop.

This isn't uncommon for me. I'm usually a little depressed, just enough that I don't feel good but it's easily disguised. Every once in awhile life likes to pepper in a couple days of complete shit. The suicidal thoughts like to join in on those days. I haven't cut myself in years and I've never even attempted to kill myself, but the thoughts float around sometimes.

My phone dings but I'm not gonna check it. Sometime in the next few days a switch will flip and I'll feel good enough to function again, but it's hopeless right now.

I'm hopeless.

I force myself to sit up and dig around in the drawer of my bedside table until I come up with a black ink pen. I push up my sleeve and begin doodling on my pale skin of my wrist, noticing the rolling feeling as I go over my veins.

I draw a little flower with a wavy stem, a few leaves, and then some of those sparkly things. When it's done I feel less of an urge to destroy my skin.

I lay back down and sigh.

Is this going to be my entire life? Am I always going to be minimized to these little tricks just to keep going?

Draw on yourself instead of cutting.

Make a list of reasons to live.

Take this medication.

Try that medication.

The side effects will go away.

Start meditating.

Be mindful.

Be gentle with yourself.

Hours and hours of useless therapy.

None of it matters. I'm in pain. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I'm in pain and the best thing I can do right now is, just accept that maybe this is my life.

A call startles me and I jolt, the marker leaving lines on my skin

I unlock my phone and answer the call.

"llana?" Your voice cracks.

"C-Corpse," she says. She's crying and you can tell, her throat was closing up, which wasn't a good sign

"Llana? Are you okay?" You're panicking at this point, you need to make sure she's okay

"I-..."

She takes a deep breath

"Corpse... I'm dying."

You went quiet, a multitude of thoughts running through your head

'I need to check on her'

'Is she okay?'

'Where does she live?'

"Shit... I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have called you.. you probably have your own st-"

"What's your address?"

"Excuse me?" the question startled her

"Your address Llana... please," you're begging at this point, you need to be sure she's okay

She tells you and you get up off your bed, you brush your teeth and wash your face, throw on a shirt and jeans, and rush to find your shoes and a mask, not to mention your rings and your favourite beanie

"I'll be there Llana. Sit tight," you tell the phone, and then hang up.

Rushing to the door with your keys, you lock up and head to your car.

Throwing the phone in the passenger seat, you glance at the screen in your car, already synced to your phone with Llana's adress.

You put the car in reverse and speed to her house. 

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A/N: Not my best work but it's okay, trying to rush chapters so I can get to the good parts, hope this works for now, thanks y'all!  <3