If You Love Me

33

d e a n

TRUST. A five-letter word that holds the fate of a lot of things in its hand. A five-letter word that is one of the most powerful things that could ever leave one's lips. A five-letter word that has the ability to make a lot of things and people, and to break them as well.

I have never had to think when it came to trust. I never worried about the swing-set collapsing in on me, if the plane would fatally descend from the sky once it reached thirty thousand feet, or if I would be swept away with the waves until I reached the coral reef every time I swam. I never worried if my mother or father would drop me after throwing me up in the air as a child, if my car would become tolled every time I sat in the driver's seat, or if a knife was being held to my back by every friend that I made. I never had to think when it came to trust, I just did it. I just trusted. I trusted that everything would fall into place, that the loneliness would subside, and that I would make it out alive. I trusted, trusted, and trusted.

Until Avery.

As like she did with almost every aspect of my life, Avery made me second guess a lot of things. Avery made me question if the earth was flat, if words on paper were more than just that, and if eyes were in fact the window to the soul. Avery made me question myself and the kind of man that I was before I met her. She made me realize just how horribly I had treated the girls that came before her, the way that I had allowed the immature way of no longer wanting to be around them consume me. That I let it run me. I told the girl in the third and ninth grade that that was it. I offered no explanation nor argument; it began and then it ended.

Avery made me realize that I hurt them. And that by ending things before they could really even begin, due to my lack of feelings or ability to trust, I had hurt her too.

Truth be told, before Avery I was lonely.

I spent my time with my head behind a computer screen or in medical books, in the stands at footballs, crowds at concerts, and always in the back when it came to love of the people in my life. I was never anyone's favourite person, favourite smile, or favourite part of their day. I was constantly in a room full of people yet was utterly alone.

It wasn't until Avery that someone saw me, that I became someone's favourite anything. She took away every ounce of loneliness and replaced it with happiness, with hope, and with love. She showed me all the things that I had missed out on, what being someone's favourite could do to you.

Avery is my favourite everything.

She's the reason that I smile as wide as I do, the reason that go to bed and wake up feeling exhilarated about the day, the reason I look forward to a future that will be white instead of grey, and the reason that I feel as whole as I do.

She's also the reason that I have doubt in my ability to trust, that I'm fearful of what would happen if I had to do it for the very first time. How even though she makes my heart race and palms sweat in a good way, I'm utterly terrified of what it would mean for us to trust each other.

Trust could lead to something good or something bad, and how you will never know which end of the stick you will get until you do it scares me.

I don't ever want to lose Avery. Losing her would result the complete loss of me.

She will forever be the best thing that has ever happened to me. She will forever be the reason that I am no longer lonely.

It has been two days since I had last seen or heard from her. Two days since I had gone over to her dorm in hopes of apologizing and having her forgive me. Two days since I saw her in the room with the boy that she repeatedly told me not to worry about, but still did. Two days since I saw the look on her face after I told her that I couldn't trust her the way that she wanted me to.