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DALLAS diary.

I really thought that I found the woman I've been waiting for. At first sight, I feel something strange. She is different.

I laughed at myself when I realize that I had been chasing her. I never done this before. I grabbed that opportunity the time I met her again.

"I just can not help it! I really want her."

I still remember everything. Our first date. How tyrant she was back then and the real her. A very sweet person.

She slapped me when I kissed her. She was really caught off guard. I never been slapped before. I really find her amusing. That want that I have for her is growing intensely. Until, I got her. She became my girlfriend. I was her first..

And she she was my first true love and ultimate heartbreak.

As I thought so.. she will not choose me.

It breaks me to pieces. I felt lost and all the pain in the past hunts me back again.

That day in their home... Everything still in my head.

Her father was asking her to choose. I reach out to her, but she did not take my hand. He went to her father and there's nothing I can do. All the pain that I have been trying to Bury in the past came back to me.

The moment my father left us for his first family.
The moment when my mother died..
The moment that I was left alone. Just all by my self.

My mom and I struggled a lot when he left us. My mom bought the land for all the money she saved and started the five story wide apartment. It wasn't good at first, but somehow she made it.

I was always alone in our unit. She is busy with her other jobs. I understand her, but I can help to feel that I am all alone.

I do not want to be like her. I promised my self that I will never fall in love. I hated every man because of my father and my mom's exes. She never had any good relationship.

I was 8 when I know that I am not totally girl. I loke girls not boys. My eyes had been opened since I was 12. I like to be like this. I got my heart break when I was 16 when my first love was just using me. She never been contented and then still find a man. She always said that I can never satisfy her. This is what makes me feel strong. I do not commit into a serious relationship. It is just for fun. But, the pain Mazee brought cannot be compared to that. Maybe, she was really my greatest love. My first true love.

What I want to achieve is wealth. I want to be a lawyer to sue all those people who made our life miserable. Who look down and took us for granted. But my mom always told me not to live with hatred.

I do not trust much. I do not want to be attached with someone until she came.

Mazee, my lucky charm. She made my world upside down. I know she is different. An independent woman. I hate to say this, but I just fall in love with her at first sight. It was on the bar. She was seated beside me drinking a juice in the bar counter. She's the first woman I dedicated my singing aside from mom.

I pursue on her until I get her. I even control my self everytime that I was with her. This is not really me and it is very amusing.

Unfortunately, she did not take her hand. I feel traumatised. I want to leave. It hurts like hell. I feel lost.

I came back to my senses when a car almost hit me. It was Dani and her wife. I asked them to bring me to the airport. I want to go back to New York. I want to go to my mom's tomb. She agreed and I cannot hold my tears anymore. I burst out. It feels like million niddles are stab in my chest.

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