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●Chapter Twenty-Eight●

"Get some sleep, I also know how hard it is to keep those thoughts at bay when you're tired. Just, sorry for what I said earlier. Please know I didn't mean it to sound mean."

"It's fine, Kuroo." I shot him a fake smile. I headed in and cuddled back up with Daichi, also pulling a blanket over me. 

"You okay, babes?" He whispered. I just silently nodded, even though I wasn't. Kuroo's words stuck in my head, even though I knew he didn't mean to hurt me. 

Kuroo came in not too long after me, probably took a minute to chill out alone. He came in and grabbed Kenma to cuddle. I could see the look on his face. His mind was running full of intrusive thoughts too, probably worried he hurt me, or that I hate him or I'm mad at him. I watched as Kenma put his game down and held Kuroo, already knowing something was on his mind but too afraid to say anything out of fear he'll try and hide it more. 

All you do is cause issues. 

You're a problem. 

Failure

Worst friend ever. 

How do you expect to keep friends if you do this to them?

I tried to ignore them, but they just kept coming. 

*~*

Eventually, everyone else was asleep. I carefully pulled myself away from Daichi, trying not to wake him and I sat against the far wall away from where everyone else was. 

I let myself break down. I cried, I tried not to scream from the pain I felt. Just pain shooting through my arms from how strong my emotions were in the moment, all waiting to be released somehow. 

Cut

"Stop. Just stop. I'm not giving in." I whispered. I know I'm speaking to no one, but sometimes it feels like it helps to speak it out loud. I feel less crazy somehow. 

Kill yourself. 

You're worthless

Good for nothing

I gave up. I quietly rummaged through my bag, trying to find my knife, completely forgetting that Coach had taken it. I searched for anything sharp enough to do any kind of damage. The only thing I could think of trying was breaking the pen I'd found. 

I pulled it apart, taking out the ink so it didn't splatter everywhere. I tried to snap the shell, hoping it'd break unevenly and have a sharp enough area on it to cut. 

I didn't get too far with my plans. 

"Not happening. Drop it." Kuroo was next to me from out of nowhere. I didn't even hear him move. all I'd heard was a few cracks that the pen had given.

"Fuck off, Kuroo." I cried. I tried harder to break the damn thing, hearing it Crack more until it did eventually break. 

"Suga, drop it. Please. Pull out your phone, try and distract yourself." He said. I could hear how hurt he was. He knew he partially caused it. I dropped the broken pen, watching him snatch up all the pieces before I could change my mind and grab them again. I just sat there and sobbed, covering my mouth trying to muffle the screams I couldn't help but let out. I tried to control myself enough that I wouldn't hyperventilate, but I slowly lost my control. Kuroo wasn't entirely sure what to do, trying to keep himself held together. 

"Before you pass out, slow down." He said. I tried to match his breathing, but his was a little fast too. It was slower than mine though. He grabbed a vape and helped me up before leading me outside. We got out there and I just slid to the ground and cried. 

"Fuck this." I said, curling in on myself. 

"I'm sorry, Suga. I really am." His voice shook. Fucking hell. 

You really shouldn't be around people if this is how you affect them. 

I felt sick from how fast I was breathing before we came out here. I felt so much pain, both mentally and feeling it manifest physically. I dug my nails into my skin as hard as I possibly could. I silently screamed as I felt my skin break slightly. Kuroo grabbed my wrists and pried my hands from my arms. 

"You need to calm down." He said. I looked almost scared. He didn't know how to help me. He didn't know what would make me stop. Even so, before I could get my arms back around myself to scratch more, he leaned in and hugged me. I just slumped into his shoulder and cried. 

"I'm sorry, Kuroo." 

"Hey, it's okay. Just focus on you right now." He said. Eventually I got myself under some kind of control. He let go of me and I slumped back against the side of the building. I felt nauseous. I've never had an episode go to the point where I felt like puking, but it makes sense if we add in the exhaustion and the stress lately. 

"I'm sorry." I said, trying to keep myself from puking. 

"It's okay. Don't apologize. I should be the one apologizing. I know I partially caused it."

"I just can't take criticism."

"Neither can I." He admitted. 

"You don't show it."

"I know. There's a lot I don't show." 

"I wish I could be like you." 

"Don't. It's better to show your feelings, if you bottle them up until you break, chances are you'll just show anger instead and cause more issues."

"Or you try and kill yourself…"

"Or that. Yeah." He said. It was silent for a few moments. He sat there hitting the vape and I sat there still nauseous. 

"You good?" He asked. 

"Nauseous." I replied. 

"Oh, it was one of those episodes. God they suck. Here, take a hit or two, THC usually helps me when I feel like shit." He said, passing it. I took one hit and it did nothing but make it worse. I handed it back and clenched my jaw, trying to focus on anything but this feeling. 

"This sucks." I said through a clenched jaw. 

"Anything I can do?" He asked. I just shook my head. I stood up and headed inside to the ground floor bathroom. Not long after getting in there I started puking. 

I sat there on the floor of the bathroom after puking, trying to stop sweating and trying to not puke more. 

"Here." Kuroo came in holding a clear water bottle. I took it and drank some of it. 

"Thanks. Sorry I'm kind of a handful of a friend."

"Hey, don't worry about it. Right now I'm just concerned about you, are you gonna be okay after camp? With no one with you?" He asked. 

"If I'm being honest, I don't know. I'll be fine unless I have breakdowns like this."

"Promise you'll call Daichi, or someone, when you start feeling this way. Have someone on the phone, someone to help somehow." He said. 

"I promise. Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'll survive." 

"Good, can't lose one of my best friends." He said. I'm glad to have friends like him, and I don't need to completely worry Daichi either. Worrying Daichi is the last thing I wanna do. 

"I think it's bedtime." I said. 

"Yeah, let's head back up." Kuroo helped me off the floor. We headed back up. I got under the blankets and ended up trapped in Daichi's arms within a few minutes. Even in his sleep he's cuddly. I absolutely fucking love it.

Word Count; 1826