Empty

●Chapter Twenty-Four●

The next morning I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. Completely exhausted, headache that was probably caused by banging my head against the wall last night, zero motivation to even get up and ready. Luckily, today was another team building day, so I didn't really have to do much. 

Despite knowing that, I stayed laying. I soaked in every second I could get of just laying here, wishing I didn't need to move. 

Unfortunately, all of the alarms went off, including Kenma's stupid annoying fairy. Everyone slowly got up and started getting around except for me. I just laid there. 

"Suga, you good? It's time to get up." Daichi said, sitting up next to me. 

"I just wanna lay here." I said. 

"I know, but come on, you need food." 

"Fine." I said. I slowly got up and dressed. 

I feel empty. I feel like I'm just a shell of a human, no emotion, nothing. I'm not sure what's worse, feeling nothing or feeling all those horrible emotions at once. I'm sure neither is ideal though. 

I got dressed and followed the rest of the gang outside. I set myself on autopilot, not talking, trying not to think, nothing. 

At breakfast I got something small so my friends wouldn't scold me or worry, though I'm sure they're all worrying because of last night. That's one of the worst breakdowns I've ever had I think, also the first I'd ever tried to hit my head off a wall. 

"Kuroo, do you have any pain meds on you? I forgot my bag in the dorm." I asked. I left it because we weren't playing today so I saw no point in having it on me. 

"Yeah, you good?" He asked, pulling a bottle from his bag and tossing it to me. 

"Headache." I said quietly. I took three pills out and then tossed the bottle back. 

"What's the plan for today by the way?" Kenma asked. 

"Same as day five, except we give no shits about what happens or how big groups are." Daichi answered. Cool. 

"Sounds fun." I said, picking at the fruit I had sat in front of me. 

"So, Me, Ken, Daichi, Suga, Bo, Akaashi, Asahi, and Noya in a group?" Kuroo suggested.

"Fine by me." Daichi shrugged. I didn't care all too much what group I was in, chances are I'm just gonna sit and stare into space. 

*~*

At the gym, our group decided to sit outside. I sat against the wall and just waited till I was told to do something. 

"Are we just treating this as a hang out and chill day?" Akaashi asked. 

"Pretty much. Truth or dare anyone?" Daichi asked. 

"Sure." Kuroo said. He's always up for whatever. I joined in too, putting up this facade that I was at least somewhat okay. 

"Cool, Kenma, truth or dare?" Daichi started. 

*~*

Eventually, we got bored. It didn't take more than two rounds a person for that to happen. I laid in the sun staring at the sky. 

"Suga, wanna hit?" Kenma asked from a few feet away. I didn't answer, just moved to the circle where they passed around the shit. They had alcohol again too, and I took advantage of it. 

I haven't talked at all since breakfast. I don't know how to describe it other than not having the energy to talk. I knew sooner or later though they'd ask about it, so maybe if I get high and drunk I'll give zero shits and be able to pretend I'm okay a little easier. 

"What are we doing after lunch?" Kuroo asked. 

"Probably the same thing." Daichi shrugged. 

"Someone play cookie run with me." Noya said, laying in the grass with his phone held above him. I'm gonna die laughing if he drops that thing on his face. 

"I'll play." Kenma said. Of course, the gamer would take the chance to play a game with someone. I threw in some headphones and hit shuffle on Spotify. First song that played was Would Anyone Care by Citizen Soldier. Of fucking course. As much as this was not the song I wanted to listen to, I let it play, hoping it would help me feel something. 

I was right though, I did. Not too far into it I felt tears run down my face. Before anyone could notice, I curled up by Daichi and made it seem as if I was just cuddling. In reality I was hiding my face and tears. 

Daichi realized what was going on when I grabbed one of his hands in what was basically a death grip. He didn't say anything, just sat there, let me cry, and ran his other hand through my hair trying to help me calm down. We stayed like that until It was time to go to lunch. 

*~*

Sitting at the table, we ate and talked a little about random shit. I stayed quiet, picking through the salad I had. 

"Suga, you've been quiet all day, you good?" Kuroo asked as he realized I haven't joined in any conversations today. 

"I don't know how to explain this feeling other than completely empty. When we were outside, when I was cuddled up to Daichi...I...I was crying. And that's all I've felt today and it was from my music. Finished crying and I just feel empty again." 

"So, you already tried the music thing, maybe try watching your favorite movie, or why don't we play some Among Us or Town of Salem when we go back outside? It's hard not to get into Town of Salem when you play." Kuroo laughed. 

"We can try it, I guess." I shrugged. I pushed my food aside and just put my head down. 

"You need therapy dude." Kenma said. 

"No shit." I mumbled. 

"There's online therapists and apps, so you wouldn't even need to set an in person thing up." He slid me his phone. Looks like he knows from expirence. 

"It's worth a shot. Anything is worth a shot at this point." I sat up. I pulled my own phone out and downloaded the app he had on his phone. It downloaded pretty fast. I tapped the sign up thing, putting in my name and all that and then I just had to wait for the email that says they paired me with a therapist. 

"I also suggest the app 'I am sober', it helps you track how long you've been clean for. I know seeing how long it's been since I've self harmed helps me, so maybe give it a shot." Kenma opened that app on his phone too, showing me the colorful bars indicating he was one month, Sixteen days, twenty-two hours, clean, minutes and seconds counting up. I downloaded that too. Once it was downloaded, I put my info on there, setting my addiction as self harm and yesterday as the last time I harmed. Hitting my head off the wall was intended as self harm, otherwise I'd have a few days. 

"Thank you. I appreciate you guys trying to help." I said. 

"No problem, we'd rather help than find out you fucking offed yourself." Kuroo said. I just gave a fake laugh. I definitely was grateful for it though. 

Back at the gym sitting outside, we played Town of Salem. It was fun, I'll give them that. Mobile version just sucks. 

After only one round I got bored and turned the game off. I looked at Daichi's phone as he kept playing. He was good at the game, though that makes me think of how well he is at deception in real life…

My phone started buzzing so I looked at the notification. It was an email from that therapy app. They'd matched me with a therapist. I opened it instantly and started whatever I needed to. I confirmed my account and then I set it up to where I'd have bi-weekly video call appointments and also have access to the 24/7 crisis text line. My first virtual call was the day after camp ended. 

"Set up everything for virtual therapy." I interrupted their game. 

"When's the first meeting?" Kenma asked. 

"Day after camp ends."

"Good luck bro, call me after or before if you need, okay." 

"Will do." I smiled. Things may be okay. Just maybe. 

Word Count;1394